


From Each Grain of Sand...

by thiective



Category: Cardcaptor Sakura, X -エックス- | X/1999, xxxHoLic, 八犬伝 -東方八犬異聞- | Hakkenden: Eight Dogs of the East
Genre: Drabbles for AUs, M/M, SeiSub in some chaps, and headcanons, lots of AUs
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-05
Updated: 2019-07-07
Packaged: 2019-08-19 04:49:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 20
Words: 27,267
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16527698
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thiective/pseuds/thiective
Summary: A SubKam collection drabbles I've written recently for prompts and musings.





	1. May I Have this Dance? (I)

**Author's Note:**

> CLAMP owns X/1999 and TRC.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prince Subaru only caught a glimpse of a figure over at the balcony, but it’s enough for him to be curious about him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A Cinderella AU!

Prince Subaru dares not to look at the hopeful looks of his suitors face, and his eyes scan for escape routes since it seems sister looks ready to pair him up with someone. His eyes landed on a lithe figure he hasn’t seen before at the balcony, his dark chocolate hair sways in the wind, and his back is towards him, and he couldn’t help but be curious about.

He gently pushes through the crowd, walking towards the figure and unnoticed by the crestfallen and curious looks on him as he walks towards the person. Now that Prince Subaru is a bit closer, he can see that the person in front of him is a young man. He wore a cream color coat with a black wings design and a red cross. Red belts seem to hold his sleeves to the jackets, and above the collar looks to be a torn black shirt collar. Never the less, the outfit appears to enhance how unfairly attractive the young man looks. As he draws closer, the Prince catches a glimpse of a bittersweet expression on the young man’s face. The Prince’s heart ached at seeing it for unknown reasons. Now that he’s a few feet away, he can see the color of the young man’s eyes, a startling violet. The Prince has never seen a shade of violets for their eyes like this lithe young man, and now that Subaru is a few feet away, he could continue watching the young man, yearning in how to get to know him.

The Prince coughs politely behind his hand, startling the young man, and he smiles apologetically for disturbing him. “Hello, um, pardon me for saying this, but you don’t seem to enjoy the party.“ Prince Subaru said, and the young man looks at him before quirking a slight smile. A smile that has the Prince’s heart thudding at seeing it. “I’m not. I’m not a particular fan of crowds.” The young man said, but it intrigues the Prince.

“Then, if you don’t mind for me being blunt, why are you here?” The Prince asks curiously, and the young man hums before closing those beautiful violet eyes. “I guess I just wanted to be me without the stress of work from demanding people.” The young man said, and the Prince could easily relate to, the amount of proposals and paperwork seems never to end. 

“Then if you don’t mind for me being straightforward, may I have this dance?” Prince Subaru asks, surprising both himself and the young man. The young man looks at him before blushing shyly. “I never danced before, and I don’t want to make you uncomfortable about that.” The young man said, but the Prince, undeterred and feeling a little braver, wants to stay in the young man’s company.

“That’s fine. I’ll teach you as we dance.” The Prince offered, holding out his black glove to him. The young man looks at the offered hand, looks back at him then at his hand again, hesitates for a bit before shyly laying his white-gloved hand over his. The Prince felt his heart leap at this, gently taking his now dance partner to the dance floor and dance with him. He quietly instructs his dance partner how to dance, there were a few mishaps, and Prince Subaru quickly discovers on how his partner is a quick learner. The Prince doesn’t want the night to end, not when he’s beginning to enjoy the night or having someone like this beautiful dance with him on this very night.

“What is your name?” The Prince whispers the question into the young man’s ear, the young man hesitates before he stood on his toes, lips close enough to almost touch his ear and the Prince could barely suppress a shiver going through him. 

“My name is Hasumi.” Hasumi said, however, the name didn’t seem to fit the young man. Subaru frowns inwardly, wondering if its possible that the young man is hiding from someone. Subaru ignores the beaming smile aim at his back by his twin sister, gently tightens his hold around Hasumi’s waist. If they parted for the night, then Subaru will try to find the person hiding behind the name ‘Hasumi,’ and asks for his hand in marriage.

“Hasumi.” Even though the name felt odd, it rolls off the Prince’s tongue easily, and he could feel the shiver going through his dance partner. No, he doesn’t want to apart from Hasumi. He’s the only person in the ballroom that he could get along easily beside his twin sister, Hokuto, and her husband, Kakyo. 

_‘Hasumi, if you leave with the night, I’ll come and find you. I want to get to know you more, my Hasumi.’_ However even happiness have to end at some point, everything felt still as the clock tower sounded for midnight and Hasumi had fled from his arms and into the night. Heartbroken, but determined to find his beauty, the Prince issued the order when he realized a white glove is left behind. If someone manages to wear the glove without breaking it, then it’s that person, Subaru hopes its the actual person who was Hasumi during that night, shall be wedded to him.


	2. Cat!Subaru AU! (I)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Plot for Cat!Subaru AU: Post!X/1999, Subaru was turned into a cat, and Kamui finds him. He doesn’t know about Subaru being a cat, takes care of him, and when no one came to retrieve the black cat, Kamui lets him stay. Prompt intended for a slow burn eventual fic, where also Subaru falls for Kamui and Kamui tries to let go and ends up going out on dates.
> 
> Summary: In Which Kamui Found Out about Subaru is the Cat

“You’ve got to be kidding me.” Kamui said quietly, his skin pale, eyes hiding underneath the bangs.

“Kamui, I…” Subaru tried to open his mouth, but Kamui stands up and pushes him.

“Do you have any idea of how much worry you’ve put me through?! How often that I tried to forget about you? And then I found out that you’re the cat that I’ve been taking care of?!” Kamui’s voice raised, every word cutting into Subaru. A tense silence settles between them.

“…out,” Kamui mumbles out, and Subaru stops breathing.

“What?” His heart stops dead, watching as Kamui takes a cushion and throws it at him.

“Get out! Out of my apartment! Out!” At first, Subaru didn’t move, letting the cushion hit him until a vase was thrown at him and he had to duck and quickly leave. Kamui stalked to the door, gripping the doorknob.

“I hope you're happy with whatever you've done.” Kamui’s voice cracks and slams the door at a surprised Subaru’s face.

Locking the door, he moves to the couch and flops on it. Screwing his eyes shut to ward off incoming wetness forming in the corner of his eyes, he screams into the sofa. Feeling hurt and stupid for trusting Subaru again.

 


	3. Cat!Subaru AU (II)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Subaru experience what it's like to be a cat and falls for Kamui.

**Drabble #1** ( **Warmth** )

Subaru stares at the piece of broken glass of a mirror in surprise, the cat looking back at him is a black one with mismatch eyes of green and gold. This isn’t right. He’s not supposed to be a cat, he tries to go backward, but his new limbs tangled with his front ones and he trips on the wet sidewalk.

He meows in pain; his voice sounds so different than his human ones.

“ _You’ll feel the pain of taking me away from my lover, you bastard!”_ The angry sorceress words rang in his mind, and Subaru frowns as much as a cat can be at the woman’s words.

Stewing in his thoughts, he barely hears approaching footsteps and someone picking him up. Subaru meows, startled, and someone a hand scratches his ears to calm him down.

“Are you alright?” The person holding him asks, cradles him gently as if not to startle him any further. Subaru knows that voice, and he looks up to see violet eyes. _Kamui’s_ violet eyes, looking at him in concern. Subaru couldn’t help but stills in surprise, it’s been a long time since he last seen Kamui when the boy had been cradling the body of a dead friend.

“Hm, you don’t seem to be injured too much. Does this hurt?” Kamui asks gently, his warm hands combing through the fur in search for any wounds but finding none. Subaru shook his head in a no, or at least as much as a cat could. Kamui hums. “Maybe I should take you to a vet to have you checked out.” 

That was perhaps the wrong thing to say as Subaru stiffens, and Kamui notices and frowns. “You don’t want to go to a vet?” Kamui asks confused, and Subaru shook his head because the vet brings memories of Seishirou. Kamui frowns, he begins to feel the bones of the feline gently, but there is no pain.

“It seems that your bones are alright, but I’m not sure where else you might be injured. Please, let me take you to a vet, and if you like, I’ll be next to you.” Kamui offers to the cat, and Subaru hesitates before nuzzling into Kamui’s palm. The boy smiles a bit gently and takes Subaru into his arms, and power walks to a clinic he knows.

* * *

**Drabble #2 (Hospitality)**

Subaru, from his perch on the table, watches as Kamui makes a dinner by himself. He had surveyed every room of the boy’s apartment. It’s surprising that the boy’s now 18, at the cusp of adulthood. His slim ponytail hangs to the side of his neck, showing a patch of skin that has yet to be marked. The Sakurazukamori shook his head out of those thoughts, and he shouldn’t have these thoughts at all.

Still, the apartment itself is cozy. It only has two bedrooms, one kitchen and living room, and two bathrooms. There are photos of people Kamui hangs out with, some are of the surviving Dragons, some of those who are dear to Kamui and are deceased, and some of those Subaru has no idea of. 

There are few pairs of shoes with the same size, one toothbrush, and Subaru couldn’t describe it, but there’s a feeling of something different in this apartment instead of how he had felt it back at the CLAMP CAMPUS dormitory years ago.

“Here you go,” Kamui said as he gives Subaru a bowl of kibbles and some chicken. The Sakurazukamori tasted the kibbles first and is surprised to find out that food he tastes is rather bland. The puree chicken, however, tasted good.

“Don’t like the kibbles, huh?” Kamui asks amused, and Subaru has the decency to feel embarrassed, well as much as a cat could be. Kamui lets out a huff of laughter.

“It’s okay. There’s no need to feel the shame of it. I would probably feel the same if I was a cat.” Kamui said gently, and he sets his food onto the table. A bowl of rice, fried mackerel, some pickles, and a bowl of miso soup. Kamui begins to start eating, and Subaru watches before diving into his food.

He hadn’t felt being welcomed in like this with warmth for years until now.

* * *

**Drabble #3 (Guilt)**

As time goes by, Subaru never felt the need to feel jealous or any of those things. Mostly because he was too invested into Seishirou to noticed any other changes.

Just like he’s too invested into Kamui scratching him or petting him whenever he’s on Kamui’s lap. The young adult softly laughs, and the sound of it is never sounded so pleasing as it did now.

“You know, I never had a cat before. I remember finding a puppy in a storm when I was younger. Fuuma went to find me, and we both take care of it before we give it up to the shelter. We were young at that time.” Kamui said quietly, low enough for Subaru to hear. The Sakurazukamori’s ears twitch at this. A little interested in listening to this story.

“I think I’ve remembered getting sick as well, but I remember being in mother’s arms,” Kamui said, voice filled with longing and Subaru nuzzles into Kamui’s hand, earning a smile from his former leader.

“I miss them sometimes. Even though I know they wish  to stay longer, I sometimes wonder what would have happened had I chose differently or if I wasn’t present at all.” Kamui said, and Subaru stops nuzzling and stares at Kamui in surprise. There’s a bitter smile on Kamui’s lips.

“I…sometimes wonder if I was cursed to be alone.” Subaru doesn’t say anything at those words. He never thought that his heart would sink until he heard these words. He thought his heart would be fine since thoughts of Seishirou had occupied it mostly, but hearing those words from Kamui had it sinking more. A fresh wave of sadness and guilt courses through Subaru’s cat form.

“You don’t need to feel sad because none of those things was your fault, to begin with, Noir,” Kamui said gently and thumbed Subaru’s cat ears. “I…allow this thinking process to hurt me, even though I know it’s toxic.” Subaru looks up at Kamui in surprise. ‘ _No, you shouldn’t say that. I didn’t know.’  
_

“It’s strange, Noir. It’s almost like you can understand what I’m saying.” Kamui muses, and Subaru inhaled a breath, anxious and scared at hearing this. “Then again, I wouldn’t know if it’s possible,” Kamui said with a damp laugh before stopping.

“Maybe it’s time I forget about him too. I…shouldn't fall for someone that fell in love with another, but I couldn’t help myself. He’s so amazing, incredible even,” It’s hard not to feel the constricting of his heart at hearing Kamui’s words, they thump painfully at hearing the fond admiration in Kamui’s voice. “I didn’t even have the heart to tell him how I felt. He…had issues, and I had mine, and he was gone before I said anything.” Kamui said, and Subaru tries not to feel or more exactly purrs at hearing this. That Kamui is about to let go of whoever had his heart brings new thoughts of as to why he should be overjoyed about this.

He never got the answer until Kamui brings home a partner. A partner that’s equally attractive as Kamui, a winning smile, he doesn’t have any flaws. Except, Subaru dislikes him as soon as he steps through the door and lays a kiss on Kamui’s lips.

* * *

**Drabble #4 (Hiss)**

Kamui isn’t sure what got Noir to act catty whenever he brings a date home. If he brings his friends or some of the Dragons, the cat seems to be fine with them and curls up in his lap as they settled into a comfortable chattering environment. 

If it’s a date, however, Noir begins hissing and yowling and twines his body around his legs. Almost as if he’s marking him on the spot, but that can’t be right. Noir doesn’t generally hiss as strangers.

Like this one time he was making out with one of his former lovers, and his lover’s hand creeps down to his ass to grope when he pulls away with a shout of pain. Kamui watches horrified and scandalous to see three scratches on the back of his ex’s hand, angry red and bloody.

“Noir!” Kamui scolds at his cat, but Noir doesn’t seem to care when he’s bristling, fangs bared and eyes narrow at his lover. His lover is no better mood than Noir’s, glares back at him.

“Stupid, blasted cat!” Kamui narrows his eyes. “Mind your business!” A snarl forms on Kamui’s lips. “That’s my cat you are talking about.”

“Well, what’s it going to be? Me or your damn cat?” His lover spats out, and Kamui takes a deep breath.

5 seconds later, Kamui threw his ex-lover out. “You can forget about any further dates with me; if you are going to insult my cat, we are done. Oh, you better get that checked out unless you want to catch something.” Kamui said and shut the door on his surprised ex-lover’s face.

“Asshole,” Kamui mutters out, and he feels a warm body slinking around him between his legs. Looking down, feeling worn, he sees Noir looking up at him guiltily. A sigh escapes from Kamui’s lips, and he scoops Noir up.

“I can never be angry at you, can I?” Kamui said with a tired smile, and Noir looks at him before meows in guilt.

“Hey now, there’s nothing to be guilty about what just happened. I should have known about who he is.” Kamui said comfortingly, and he brings them to the couch where Noir snuggles up to him, almost greedily if Kamui thinks about it hard enough. He doesn’t and chalks it up as a cat thing.

* * *

**Drabble #5 (Yearn)**

Subaru watches as Kamui sleeps, wonders as to what it feels like to be human again and pull the younger male close. It’s surprising, even scarily so, that not once he had thought about Seishirou when he’s in Kamui’s care.

The young adult has grown up beautifully, Subaru admits that privately, but he doesn’t know how much longer he could stand and watch Kamui being swept up into another person’s arms when he, Subaru himself, begins to fall for Kamui. The warm smile that has his heart skips a second, the bitter smile that makes him ache in wanting to do whatever he can to change it into something much more beautiful. The sadness that seems to haunt the young adult like a shadow that never seems to go away, he had always assumed Kamui would eventually get better. The anger in his violet eyes that appears to draw Subaru in whenever he comes to Subaru’s defense, or more specifically _Noir’s_ defense. 

Subaru wants a lot of things as of now. Wants to curl up and sleep on Kamui’s lap, feel his hand running through his hair instead of his fur. Wants to nuzzle into the young adult’s neck and feels the warmth, smell Kamui’s scent that seems to be attached to his skin. Erase any taste or touch that doesn’t belong on Kamui’s lips because he has been yearning to wonder what they taste like, feel like against his own and if Kamui allows, to go further than that.

The thought of it brings the beats of his heart to go faster. His slim black tail curls around him before swishing up at wonder how much Kamui would react. Would he be happy? Angry? Surprised?

Then there’s the fact that Kamui’s heart had once belonged to someone and that nearly makes Subaru’s fur bristles because Kamui deserves better. Deserves to be _loved_ with care to watch him smile, deserves to laugh and be happy and shouldn’t have to think about whoever it was that bring sadness and longing to those violet eyes that seems to _enchant_ Subaru and…Subaru’s cat ears droop along with his tail. ‘ _Who am I kidding when you seem to love someone else and not me, Kamui?’_ The words of describing that person that Kamui seems to hold dear, that this person is amazing, incredible, everything that Subaru isn’t.

‘ _I cannot begin to tell you how much I missed being in your presence. I’m sorry for leaving your side, but if it’s to keep my memories of him alive inside of me, I’ll do it again even if it hurts you.’_ Subaru thinks, thoughts turning into a negative turn. ‘ _I know I have a lot to atone for, but if you allow me to come back to your side again and stay with you, I’ll do it. I’ll do it, because I …’_ Subaru swallows and leans forward, nuzzling his furry cheek against Kamui’s cheek.

‘ _…I can’t seem to think of you with anyone else.’_

A few days later, neither knew how Subaru turned back into a human and Kamui who saw the transformation, feels like a fool all over again.


	4. Amnesia!Subaru AU!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Amnesia AU! I know this has been already done, but this is also a few years after X/1999. Kamui and Subaru were dating, Subaru loses his memories up to the time Promised Day. Kamui, knowing that Subaru doesn’t remember much after that, moves out of the shared apartment and into another apartment. Subaru, returning back to the apartment feels something is missing despite Kamui helping him in.
> 
> They bump into each other, but Kamui seems like he wants to bolt, and Subaru lets him despite not knowing why that hurts. Kamui just doesn’t want to go through the pain it takes for Subaru to come to terms that he likes Kamui more than he should and agrees to a date. Subaru, not understanding why he feels displeased at seeing Kamui smiling at other people while he can’t stand Subaru’s presence, tries to give him space. That ache grows, and Subaru nearly snaps when someone tries to get extra close to Kamui.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kamui’s age: 18
> 
> Subaru’s age: 28

When he steps foot into the apartment, there is a distinct change in the environment. It’s still his, still spartan like the way he had left it before the battle of the Promised Day started.

Yet, he can’t seem to recall as to why it felt different. Like its missing something.

“Well, that’s last of that. Where do you want me to set the groceries?” Kamui’s voice ranged behind him, and Subaru looks at the boy, except he’s at the cusp of adulthood. His fingers slim and elegant, holding the paper grocery bag in his hands. Hair tied into a short, slim ponytail, face lean and beautiful. How did he not notice how much Kamui had changed physically?

“Subaru…?” Kamui’s voice called him, snapping out of his trance, and Subaru tilts his head.

“I’m fine. Just set them on the table. I’ll sort it out.” Subaru said as he waves off the younger male’s concern, and Kamui blinks at him before sighing.

“Knowing you, you’ll probably get take out. I’ll cook for tonight and leave it in the containers for you to eat. If there are some leftovers, you can reheat them for tomorrow’s breakfast.” Kamui said as he went to the kitchen and begins preparing the food. Subaru frowns before following him into the kitchen. The awkward silence extends between them.

“You didn’t have to do this,” Subaru said quietly. Kamui’s hands twitch on the strings of the apron he was about to tie around his back, bangs overshadowing his eyes.

“I _wanted_ to, there’s a difference,” Kamui said quietly. 

“Still, I…don't deserve th-” Subaru words were cut off as Kamui aims a glare at him. The glare is fierce, and violet eyes are glinting.

“You do, do not say that you don’t!” Kamui said with a raised voice before flinching. A tense silence stands between them and Kamui begins chopping up the vegetables. 

“I’m sorry, I…it’s just been hard on me. I’ve…lost someone that I’ve cared for very much recently.” Kamui said thickly, and Subaru leaves it at that. A prickling feeling inside of Subaru starts as if there is a silent stab of pain. It takes a few moments before Subaru decided to give Kamui some space. Telling Kamui he’ll be leaving for a while, Kamui grips the handle of the knife before nodding. The door closing behind Subaru never sounded loud before in his entire life.

When Subaru came back to the apartment, Kamui had left the apartment. Cooked food in the food containers warm and set on the table, a spare key left on the table. 

Dinner tasted good, warm but a feeling of sadness was left behind. Subaru frowned, he tries to recall why but those three years of memories are hard to find.

It still doesn’t shake the feeling as to why his apartment feels oddly big suddenly.


	5. Status Quo AU (I)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It’s strange to feel a killing intent coming from the depths of a kind person like Subaru, but the hand gripping his shoulder tells him otherwise.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In Which There is a Possessive!Sakurazukamori!TB!Subaru and a Volume!1 Kamui. Based on kururusus’s prompt.

For all the little knowledge of what Kamui knew about Subaru is that he’s kind and the most polite person he ever has known. In comparison, to Kamui’s quick temper and volatile emotions, that’s a large gap of how different the both of them are.

It's usually Subaru that tells him to calm down and step away, but this is rather different. One of their classmates had decided to be brave enough to talk to him, smiling at him occasionally and they leave lingering touches on his arm when Kamui feels a shiver crawling down his spine. Something prickled at his neck, and he looks over to see Subaru. Icy forest green eyes directed at them, more specifically to their classmate touching Kamui’s arm.

”Ah, Sumeragi-san! I didn't see you there! Is it alright with you if I take Kamui-san out with some of my friends?” ’ _No, it's not alright for you to do that! Let go of me before I decide to break your arm!’_ That's what Kamui would normally have said, with a snarl over his lips. His focus was to try and get his arm out of his classmate’s grip, who seems to be holding on to it and pulling it close to the chest.

Then the atmosphere of the hallway turns icy, cold and Kamui has to stop himself from jumping in surprise when Subaru’s glove hand reaches for his shoulder and grips it. ”I’m afraid Kamui and I had made plans for today,” Subaru said, his voice contains a freezing depth that Kamui couldn't suppress a shudder at hearing it.

”Eh? Then perhaps next time. We can go together as a group!” Kamui stares at his classmate incredulously, wonders if they are idiotic or blind to not notice the deadly aura radiating off of Subaru. It’s strange to feel a killing intent coming from the depths of a kind person like Subaru, but the hand gripping his shoulder tells him otherwise.

”I’m afraid we’ve made plans in the future as well,” Subaru said, still with an icy tone in his voice, and Kamui manages to wrench his arm away before a confrontation could occur. He frowns at Subaru and placed a hand on his hand. 

”Hey, calm down. I'm not going anywhere.” Kamui said, and the cold atmosphere seems to recede but it's still present in the hallway. The classmate huffed before deciding to leave, knowing that they couldn't convince Kamui any further without Subaru around. Kamui feels a little out of depth, wondering if he and Subaru had somehow switch personalities. Subaru relaxes his grip on his shoulder, after making sure no one is in the hallway, pulls Kamui in an embrace. Kamui, stunned and unsure as what to do, allow Subaru to hold him against him tight. He awkwardly pats the other on his back, a blush threatening to make an appearance and he ruthlessly squashes it down.

”Promise me you won't leave me,” Subaru asks against his skin, and Kamui isn't sure what that will entails. As long as they get back to the status quo they were in before, he’s fine with it.

”I promise,” Kamui said after a few moments of back and forth decision in his mind, and Subaru pulls away. The ice had receded in his green eyes, a kind smile that Kamui sees regularly is back in place, almost as if nothing has happened earlier.

”We need to go to the next class, Kusanagi-sensei may be kind but he can be stern as well,” Subaru said, letting go of Kamui to head to the classroom. Kamui follows after him absently, mind buzzing with questions.

’ _Sumeragi Subaru, who are you really?’_ Kamui wonders.


	6. Little Things AU (I)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It started with small changes, not obvious ones, but relatively harmless ones that got Subaru to notice that Kamui isn’t a boy anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also known as my excuse for Kamui to have a braid like Fon does from KHR.
> 
> Also have a bit of Ao x Kamui pairing despite it being a one-sided one (^_^’)

_Flowers_

“You seemed to be receiving a lot of flowers lately,” Subaru commented it'd been few years since he last seen Kamui. Mostly since judgment day. Kamui shrugs, fingers the leaves, a slight flush decorating his face.

“I still don’t see why people give me flowers. It’s not like I’m anyone special.” The eighteen-year-old said as he leans against a bench. Subaru frowns, cause _Kamui_ is _unique_. He opens his mouth to protest, and Kamui closes his eyes.

“Don’t. Just not today.” Kamui said, he sets the bouquet down. The white gardenia petals fluttered onto his lap, and Subaru complied. It's more out of respect.

Kamui touches the white petal, and a bitter smile appears on his face. ”I guess I should find something I want to do instead of delaying. I’ll see you around.”

The few days that go by for Subaru goes longer than the regular hunts that occupied his life. Days turn to weeks, and the Sakurazukamori finds himself wondering why those days felt longer than usual.

* * *

 

_Baking_

It didn't take long for Subaru to track down Kamui. It would have taken longer if he didn't know where to start. He followed the paper trail and was met with surprise a group of people hanging around a bakery. Whispers are made about a new part-time worker working with the owner. A male with unruly dark chocolate hair, violet eyes that look beautiful.

Its when the said baker comes out that whispers rose, commenting on how beautiful the young male is. Murmurs of his availability rose louder as the group gathers close to the window. The cashier made a mischievous comment, a young blue-haired man with blue eyes, and the baker blushes, stuttered, but it made the group chattered to each other excitedly. Subaru who watches behind the glass, behind the crowd, swallows a lump down when the cashier tugs a hair behind Kamui’s ear, making the baker stiffen in surprise.

Why did that small action make him want to pull Kamui away from the blue haired man?

* * *

 

_Braid_

Kamui’s hair had grown longer, in memory of his mother, his aunt, and Kotori. It's frustrating to keep it at this length and to make it healthy after a thorough wash, but it's worth it to keep it in a braid.

After seeing Kamui had allowed someone to touch him intimately, Subaru had avoided Kamui for a while, confusing his former leader before he drops a package of what he made on a bench he used during their usual meet up. The bread smells convincing, coyly going into the Sakurazukamori’s senses. A small urge of untying the braid and running his fingers through those strands kept him distracted from opening it.

A pulse of guilt blooms in Subaru, but he stands by his choice of continuing Seishirou’s legacy. While death is part of life, bringing a dull ache to one person’s life, what's to say of them giving up on you hurts the most?

It shouldn't, right?

* * *

 

_Chocolates_

”You are making chocolates,” Subaru noted the chocolate stain on Kamui’s cheek, Kamui rolls his eyes.

”And you’ve been avoiding me. Those chocolates are obligatory chocolates.” Kamui commented, and that should have sounded reassuring to Subaru except for the ache inside of him grows.

”I’ve been thinking of some things.” Kamui blink once before the corner of his lips twitched.

”Work-related?” It's an offered excuse, something that got Subaru to latch on to.

”Probably.” Subaru pauses, his eyes spot a photo of the staff members of the bakery. The blue-haired man had slung an arm around Kamui’s shoulders, and it's with an increasing strenuous effort that he halts himself from going out to slice that arm off.

”You and him seem close,” Subaru commented Kamui looks at him in surprise before he stirs the chocolate in his arms.

”Ao? I guess so. He said that I remind him of someone he knows of.” Kamui said as he pours the chocolate into the pan.

”How many chocolates are you making?” Kamui hums at Subaru’s question.

”That’s my secret.”

* * *

 

_Obligatory_

Why was it so difficult to wait for February 14th to roll in when he could have gone out to look for some poor soul to be dinner for the Tree or solve a case that usually requires his calibre?

The problem was he couldn't stop thinking about those chocolates Kamui was making. His former leader was baking chocolates, and it should not have disturbed Subaru as much. Then again with Kamui keeping it a secret, who receives those chocolates or not shouldn't have made something gnawed his inside insistently. Grit his teeth at the thought someone else might receive it, even if it's obligatory.

Thoughts pace his mind, trying to go down a list of those familiar to Kamui, except that list is small as Subaru looks over names.

 _Why_ _does_ _it_ _bother_ _me_ _so_ _much_?

* * *

 

 _Little_ _Things_

Someone, most likely Sorata, had commented that Kamui was much like a housewife or a househusband for that matter. Back then, it didn't bother Subaru as much as it used to. The scent of the bread attached itself to Kamui, sweet in a way that smells pleasing to other people, and something Subaru wants himself to inhale in more.

Except, the underlying sweet scent belongs to Kamui solely. It had taken a few more weeks, nearly up to February 14 to realizes that. Nothing of the younger man’s scent isn't repulsive, but rather enticing to Subaru. 

It's also the little things that catch Subaru’s attention to Kamui, whether the other knows it or not. Fingers are playing with the end of his braid, chewing his lip as he thinks of a new recipe, tongue licking away the dryness before lips pursing when struggling to make a decent cake. Kamui is moving around the kitchen as he cooks for the both of them on some days. The lunch placed on the bench for Subaru to find. The unique spark in violet eyes at learning how to make matcha tea traditionally without spilling a drop. The satisfied small smile at finally figuring out or connecting the dots and Subaru’s breath stop screeches to a halt when a sudden thought overlaps his mind.

 _What_ _do_ _Kamui’s_ _lips_ _taste_ _like_?

* * *

_Offer_

The chocolate is given to him on Valentine's Day, most of Kamui’s chocolates are given to someone he cares for. 

”I haven't made any special chocolates because I haven't found anyone I want to be with,” Kamui explains, and while it's reassuring, it had sent little relief in the Sakurazukamori. Kamui’s fingers play with a red rose, twirling it and avoiding some thorns.

”Where did you get the rose?” Subaru asks, Kamui coughs and looks away. A slightly embarrassed blush rises on the younger man’s face.

”Ao, most likely as a joke,” Kamui answered. Again, it's Ao. Ao, that was flirting with Kamui behind the counter. Ao who received the same chocolates as Subaru. Ao who might as well be one step closer and got Kamui to...

”Would you like to go out for dinner?” Those words slip out of Subaru’s mouth before he could stop them, and Kamui looks at him with surprise before fidgeting with that rose in his fingers that started to annoy Subaru. 

”To where?” Kamui asks softly, and Subaru catches the rose. Making sure all thorns are cut before threading it in the space between Kamui’s ear and his head. Kamui’s eyes widen, a rising blush overlaps an earlier one.

”There’s a bar where they sell good ramen and sushi nearby.” Kamui chews on his lip, touches the rose, and he can feel the light petals on it, breathes once before letting go. Nervous curiosity is bubbling within him.

”Ok.”


	7. Cat!Subaru AU (III)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It’s the silence and guilt that stretches, but even then it still hurts because he had left you. Something you aren’t sure you can forgive him for.

_Silence_  

What felt like an hour had stretched on two more. Kamui, after taking out the frustration into the pillow by letting tears soaking it up, he reaches for a tissue box to clean the rest. Except he couldn’t stop crying. The silence of the apartment stretches, the cat toys and stands for _Noir_ to- No, it’s not _Noir_ , it was _Subaru_ that was _Noir._ It was _Subaru_ that he had taken care of when he found him in the rain. It was _Subaru_ that comforted him when he was feeling depressed. It was Subaru that had scratched and yowled and hissed at one of his ex’s to find out that the other was an asshole. It was Subaru that heard him talking about-

Kamui’s eyes widen, cover his eyes and groans. Just when he thought it was ok to let go of his said feelings to the onmyouji, said onmyouji came back. Kamui, who trusted Noir and inconsequently had trusted Subaru again. 

Was he gullible? No, he isn’t, but the feeling of being played lingers inside of him. The silence of the room seems to stretch on, but perhaps he needs it to think.

The irony of this was he couldn’t think without thinking about Subaru.

It was easier not thinking about him for three years, he was able to do that and has lived through it. The reappearance of Subaru had shattered whatever remaining tranquil peace he held inside of him.

* * *

_Still_

“You know, Sumeragi-san was seen near your apartment,” Nokoru said as he stirs his tea with the spoon. Kamui tightens his fingers on the handle of the mug, looking into the brown liquid as if has the answers he needs.

“So what? Are you going to tell me that it’s a good thing I haven’t let him in?” Technically he did let Subaru into his house, but that’s beside the point.

“I should, I also should allow Suoh to try and scare him off,” Nokoru said with a sigh, he puts the teaspoon on the saucer and sips the tea. Kamui frowns and looks at him confused.

“Then why didn’t you?” Kamui asks, and Nokoru hums before setting his cup down, lightly trace the edge of the teacup.

“I guess it’s the way he seems to looks at your apartment window as if asking to be let in.” Kamui withholds a wince. Those words sound eerily close to the truth. “Didn’t you said you have a cat before? I heard it was a black one.” Nokoru said thoughtfully, and there’s a tight clench around Kamui’s heart. A pang of memories with hurt.

“Its owner had come back and found it,” Kamui said softly, and Nokoru frowns.

“I heard from Suoh it had a name, right?” Nokoru mused, and Kamui swallows the lump down. He still needs to throw away the cat food, stand, toys and other things.

“Its name is Noir.” Nokoru hums.

“Sounds like a beautiful name. I think I’ve remembered that I’ve received a complaint from one of your former lovers. That cat must be attached to you if it doesn’t want anyone to come close to you.” Nokoru remarks, and Kamui doesn’t feel like he wants to drink the liquid anymore. Losing an appetite does that.

“I wouldn’t know. I never owned a cat before.”

* * *

_Guilt_

Guilt is something Kamui is intimately familiar with. Three years ago was the proof of it, even though Fuuma and Kotori and others had chosen to die for him, it doesn’t stop it festering inside of him like maggots. Gnawing on his insides and feeling numb after realizing he’s still alive even when Fuuma had tried to kill him.

The problem with guilt is that it reminds you, hanging over you like a cloud. Of the mistakes, you’ve done, of how some of those mistakes could have been resolved quickly, of how there’s been another option that wasn’t seen before clearly. Kamui stares the feather in his hand, remembers smiling at Noir when he plays with the feather toy. Of those bi-colour eyes that seems to- Kamui clenches his eyes shut, drops the toy to the floor and closes the door behind.

When guilt is attached to a person, it gets complicated.

Kamui doesn’t have the _heart_ to throw away some of the stuff he bought for Noir. Not when he knows that Noir is _Subaru._ There were times when Noir had disappeared on him, leaving him anxious and worried, but relieved when he found him. Kamui rests his head on the door and takes a shuttering breath.

He doesn’t think he can _forgive_ Subaru for breaking his trust again.

* * *

_Window_

It’s odd to be locked out. He deserves it Subaru reasons as he sits on the tree. The curtain closed, window shut, its been days and Subaru’s heart steadily sinks deeper into depression.

It’s not that he doesn’t think he should regret his decision, betraying Kamui’s trust again was something he hadn’t counted for.

He couldn’t tell Kamui he was the _cat_ that Kamui found. How can he when he couldn’t speak human when all the words he kept talking are meows or purrs. He couldn’t say that he had felt guilty at attacking one of Kamui’s lovers, he only felt guilty for ruining Kamui’s happiness. Even if that person wasn’t him, and while he might relent, but Subaru couldn’t imagine Kamui with anyone. Subaru knew he couldn’t say anything or want to be by Kamui side. It’ll put the boy in danger. It would have been better if he had leave Kamui alone as he did before.

Except he had tried that. Had lost count of how many tries he had done that after what felt to be the twenty-fifth time only to find himself back on the familiar tree and to look at the window longingly. Subaru doesn’t want to imagine Kamui had found another, doesn’t think he can handle it if those smiles he sees when he’s _Noir_ will be given to someone else. Doesn’t think he can stop himself from wanting Kamui’s warmth, his affections, from wanting- Subaru’s eyes widen. He had been so into his thoughts that he hadn’t realized he couldn’t feel the tree anymore. It used to be like a shadow, a constant companion. He had sensed it faintly when he was Noir, had detected it after turning back, but now it’s quiet. Gone.

Subaru hears the door of the apartment building being opened. His heart stops at seeing Kamui unconscious, with a bleeding hand and a sorceress. The one that had turned him into Noir brings Kamui back into his former leader’s apartment. A burn forms inside of, bile rises in his throat, and he hops down from the tree and rushes to Kamui and gather his former leader into his arms. Eyes are looking at the bleeding wound before glaring at the sorceress, who glares back at him. Her lips are ruby, stained in their shine, but Subaru could smell the blood from her.

“You should be fucking grateful he chose to save you, you miserable bastard.” The sorceress growls out. “Had I known _who_ it was he was trying to save, I would have taken _more_ than just blood from him.” The information is new, and his heart squeezed at hearing Kamui gotten hurt for him when he wasn’t there, tightens his hold around the shallow breathing adult.

“What did you do to him, sorceress?” Subaru growls out softly. Her silver eyes gleamed beneath her bangs, cold.

“Nothing, he _came_ to me and made a bargain. If I can stop a magical tree from bothering someone, he’ll offer me his blood.” The sorceress said, she stares straight into Subaru’s eyes. “How he _had_ managed to fucking _track_ me down, I have no bloody clue. I still won’t forgive you for what you’ve done. I would have killed you myself had I known it was you he was helping.”

“Then why did you help?” Subaru asks icily, itching to go back inside Kamui’s apartment, wrap up his wound and anxiously wait for Kamui to wake up. The sorceress doesn’t say anything, looks at Kamui’s face before closing her eyes.

“He reminds me of my late boyfriend, the person that you’ve killed.” Subaru’s breath hitches. “He would have done the same if he was alive, offering to help others without a thought.” The sorceress murmurs.

“Whoever he _loves_ better know they are bloody damn lucky to have someone like him.” The sorceress said. “Be advised, if the tree reaches out for you again, heed its call. The other half of the bargain is in your arms. It wants his blood as well.” Subaru’s breath stills.

“It never had-” The sorceress looks at him with harden silver eyes, almost molten silver.

“He asks for my advice, I’ve asked for a cup of his blood. The tree asks for a pint, so its whispers won’t disturb you.” The sorceress said before she turns around and leaves. Subaru stares, dreading before looking at the pale form of his former leader before bringing him to his apartment. Finding the key in one of Kamui’s pockets, he brings Kamui to his room, bandage up the wound and anxiously waits for him to wake up.

Waiting shouldn’t felt long. Kamui is still breathing, still pale, but he isn’t waking up. Minutes felt like hours, and Subaru takes Kamui’s bandaged hand and rests his forehead on it, feels the warmth from the limb but no movement. Minutes ticks by, and Subaru’s fingers tangled with Kamui’s limp fingers, breath trembling and he clenches his eyes shut.

“Wake _up_ , please.” He breathes out. “I don’t know what to do if you don’t.”


	8. Don't Let Me Go AU (I)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wishing for someone else's happiness is common, but there is no real way to summon the dead. The dead stay dead. Post X/1999.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title is a lyric from Guilty Crown’s Departure Blessing. Departure Blessing belongs to EGOIST.

_Wish_

It was by pure accident he swears to stumble upon this shop. Kamui stares at the Victorian building, let's the girls with rose and blue hair leads him in. His guides felt odd like something is missing, but even then he was not able to dwell on it when a beautiful looking woman with crimson eyes greets him with a mysterious smile. Her kimono brings out her haunting beauty.

"Welcome. Do you have a wish you will like to be granted?" Yuuko asks, and Kamui frowns.

“Wish?” The woman smiles at his question.

"Why yes, every one of us has a wish that will like granted. Whether those wishes are small or big." The woman explains, she looks at Kamui curiously. "I am the Dimension Witch. It is my job to grant wishes." Kamui suppresses a shiver going through him, the familiar haunting it words echoes into his ear. _Only I can grant your true wish, Kamui._ Fuuma said with a cold smirk.

“Any wish?” Kamui inquires, and the Witch’s face becomes stern.

"I am afraid I cannot summon the dead, if that is what you were asking for, Kamui of the Dragons of Heaven." Kamui stiffens and narrows his violet eyes at the Witch.

"You know who I am?" Yuuko nods and gives him a genial smile.

"Of course I do, all heard your victory." Kamui looks away, it is not a victory, not when it feels hollow.

“You said you could grant wishes, right?" Kamui asks as he looks at the Dimension Witch. She smiles at him and nods.

“I can.” Kamui curls his hands inwardly into fists.

“Then I wish to grant someone else’s happiness.” The Witch looks at him surprised, puzzled at first.

"You do not wish for yours to be granted?" A bitter smile flickers onto his lips before he pushes that away.

"He deserves happiness, I know I can never be able to tell them how I feel. About how I sincerely would like to be _their_ happiness, they have eyes on another." Kamui said as he brings his hand close to his chest. "It is the least I can do for them for all the things they have done for me through their kindness." At first, the Witch does not speak, but sighs.

“Maru, Moro, could the both of you bring a mannequin in?” The Witch asks the two girls, and the two girls that greeted Kamui at the door and bring him into the shop nods enthusiastically.

“Ok!” 

* * *

_Price_

“For wishing that person’s happiness, all you have to do is give up half of your heart and put it into this mannequin.” The Witch said, she gestured to the white mannequin laid out in front of Kamui.

“Half of my heart?” Kamui echoes, he shivers at the implications and the Witch blinks before chuckling a bit.

"I mean spiritually. To make your wish come to become a reality, you will have to give up half of your heart. The memories will do the rest." The Witch said with a polite smile. "Be warned. There are consequences of living with half of one's heart. Do you still accept the price?" At first, Kamui did not say anything. Kamui brings his hand to his chest, could feel the beat of the organ in his chest. That person deserves happiness. _They_ deserve it more than his own that it hurts.

“How do I give up half of my heart?” Kamui asks, looking at the Witch. The Witch looks at him, walks closer to him and holds out a hand over his eyes, another hand opened to the side.

"I will help you with that." The Witch said, and Kamui could feel something torn away from him, feels deep within his soul, and while everything inside of him screams at him to fight it, he allows it. A violet glow was shaping the Witch's hand, bright and warm, and it flows into a violet crystal in her other hand.

"I have accepted the payment. Once that person's happiness is fulfilled, your heart returns to you." The Witch said as her hand stops glowing and Kamui feels weak, like something inside of him is missing, something that should be there but gone. Wrench from him. It is a deep echo of emptiness, one he is not sure will recovered. His vision fading in and out, he watches the Witch puts the violet crystal into the mannequin and it glows brightly, turning into a familiar looking person that was once thought dead. Then his vision fades, and he falls limp into the girls' arms.

"Bring Shiro Kamui into one of my guest's rooms, and he needs the rest…." The Witch's voice echoes into his ears as if he is underwater, and he sleeps. 

* * *

_Shock_

A butterfly touches Subaru’s hand, he ignores it at first when it was flying around, but when it came closer, he could feel powerful magic flowing from it. The bird glows before it turns into a note.

 _Come to the shop, Sakurazukamori. Your happiness is about to be given_.

\- _Ichihara Yuuko, the Dimension and Time Witch_

Subaru's heart stutters, he has not been to the shop for a long time. He went there last time with Hokuto. What did the Witch mean about his happiness being granted?

The only person who could ever grant his happiness was Seishiro. He firmly believes that and stubbornly refuses to budge from it. It has been months since that day. A few months from the Promised Day as well. He has not heard from Kamui since, only knowing that his former leader is recovering from killing his best friend or so he heard from close sources.

Subaru’s feet take him to a familiar-looking gate, a familiar building where the magic is the strongest. He swallows down a lump down his throat, and his guard remains up as he crossed the threshold of the gate and greeted by a blue haired girl with a smile.

"Welcome, Mistress has been expecting you. Please follow me." The girl said in a friendly way, Subaru is surprised at the girl's honesty in her words, he could feel Yuuko's magic on this lot. He watches as the girl goes back into the shop, follows after her a few minutes later. Subaru could not shake off the feeling that is something is wrong, that it felt distinctly off. Subaru shakes his thoughts out of his mind, he follows after the blue haired girl into the living room, and shock had him rooted him to the shop. The person lying on the couch, sleeping, he knows him too well, had been with him, personally seen to his death, and taken his eye. The same eye he is wearing now and had replaced the glass one after leaving Dragons of Heavens. Subaru feels his heart restarted on that spot, feels it beat a bit faster.

“Seishiro-san…” Subaru breathes out.

"I am surprised you have made it here this fast. Thank you for answering my call, Subaru-kun." A female voice speaks from behind him, and Subaru looks over to see Yuuko standing there, the white note in his hand changed glows before it turns back into the butterfly. The butterfly flaps its wings and lands on Yuuko's finger, and she stroked its wings.

"Yuuko-san…" Subaru whispered out as shock has rendered his body still. Seishiro could not be here. He had killed him, his hand still remembers the warmth of blood passing through Seishiro’s body and out through the back, soaked in Seishiro’s blood.

“W-Why is Seishiro-san here?” Subaru’s voice trembled and although he wants to reach out and touch the face that grips his heart, he needs to know what’s going on. Yuuko smiles mysteriously at him.

"Someone had wished for your happiness." Subaru's brow furrows, he could not understand as to why he would wish for his happiness when he is already living through that happiness.

“No one can bring back the dead.” Yuuko’s smile widens at his protest.

"That is right no one can. Not even a god, no matter how much people wished for it." Subaru stares at the Witch.

"Then how…?" Yuuko chuckles at Subaru's confusion.

"Few things in this world can make _dead_ come back to _life_ ," Yuuko said, her crimson eyes glance at the former Sakurazukamori lying on the couch, sleeping away and not stirring from the conversation brewed around him.

"I-Is he real?" Subaru asks as he looks back at Seishiro, can hardly dream or think that person he wants to be with for so long is a few meters away from him. Yuuko looks at Subaru's back. She wonders if the Sakurazukamori knew how precious he is to Kamui. Enough to make a wish like this happen.

"He is _real_. You can bring him home," Yuuko said softly and closed the door behind her, allowing Subaru to have some privacy.

She has to attend another guest who is still sleeping in her guest room. He will not be awake for this, and perhaps it is better this way. 

* * *

 

_Strange_

It is odd waking up with half a heart, Kamui thinks as he wakes up. His violet eyes take in the silk curtain surrounding the bed. He finds him dressed in a white kimono.

"Hello, sleeping beauty." Kamui blinks and looks at the Witch who greeted with painted lips. "You have been sleeping for a while." The Witch said with a polite smile.

"How long I have been sleeping?" Kamui asks, he sits up from his bed. It is strange. He does not feel the emptiness inside of him like he had felt earlier when he had given away his heart.

"You have been asleep for a day. Rest, you can go back home once you have recovered." Yuuko said, and Kamui nods. It is strange. He has not felt this tired for a while. Maybe a few minutes of sleep will do, he curls up on the bed and sleeps. Yuuko sighs as she quietly walks over to Kamui. Gently traces his cheek with her finger with a feather-light touch.

"Humans are foolish and remarkable creatures," Yuuko whispers as she watches Kamui sleeping. Her finger traced to the chin and gently cups it. "It is true that no one can bring someone back from the _dead_. The price for that is too high to be given. A life for another life.”

"Memories, however, are living representations of those we have lost, the missing piece needed for a _person_ with a body and memories is a _heart_. However, one can never live without a whole heart.” Yuuko said. She lets go of Kamui’s face and brushes the fringe of his hair. “In this world, _no one_ can live without a whole heart. It is the same as _dying_.” Yuuko whispers before moving away and heading towards the door. Looking at Kamui one last time, Yuuko smiles gently.

"That heart will return to you someday, whether you live or gone from this world," Yuuko said, and she closes the door behind her. 

* * *

_Breath_

It is the stillness of breath, of watching Seishiro's chest going up and down that Subaru anxiously waits in his apartment. He had bought Seishiro home to his apartment after getting the ok from Yuuko.

Seeing Seishiro again, alive and well had brought back his heart, a sense of meaning to live again. The feeling of his pulse beating underneath his skin, the warmth that radiates through the skin.

Subaru feels like he could breathe again, that the person he longed for is in front of him, sleeping peacefully. He is not sure how he got lucky to have something like this happen to him. Of regaining his happiness again. His heart thuds in anxiety, excitement flowing into his body as he waits.

It is when Seishiro groans, Subaru's eyes widen as his predecessor stirs from his slumber. Seishiro's eyes are opening, one gold and the other glass.

“Subaru-kun?” Seishiro’s voice is the same as he remembers. Subaru inhales a breath as he watches as Seishiro sits up, rubs his eyelids and gives him the same smile he had given him before he took his last breath.

“Do you know where am I?” It should be impossible; the dead could never come back. His breath trembles, he ducks his head and inhales another breath. This reality should not be _real_.

"You are home," Subaru whispers, hoarsely, heavy in his emotions despite the tears beginning to fall from the corner of his eyes. 

* * *

_Smile_

It is the next day when Kamui leaves the Yuuko's shop, he went back to his dorm and was swept up in a hug by Yuzuriha.

“You have no idea _how_ worried we have been when you did not come back home yesterday," Yuzuriha whispers into his ear, and Kamui feels guilt balling up inside of him. A hand ruffles his hair. He looks up to see Karen's relief smile on her face.

“You should be _careful_ next time or let us know if you are staying over in your friend's house next time," Karen said gently, and Kamui frowns before wrapping an arm around Yuzuriha's waist.

"I am sorry," Kamui said guiltily, and Yuzuriha's tightens her hold around him, buries her face into his shoulder.

"Just don't do that again, ok?" Yuzuriha whispers. Kamui wonders if that is possible, the faint echo inside of him does not bother him as it should.

"I will try not to," Kamui said with a smile, and it is strange how easy it was to smile now than it was before when there were deaths, blood, and pain that he could not shake off from the Promised Day.

"One more thing, your classmate has been looking for you. He said he had homework for you that you have missed and dropped it off here." Karen said as she gives her former leader the homework. It is probably Keiichi, always thoughtful and trying to be strong for others despite still reeling from the death of his late parents.

"He is a good friend," Yuzuriha said as she pulls away with a smile. Kamui blinks before feeling a tug from the corner of his lips.

"Yeah, a good friend," Kamui said as he smiles back and Yuzuriha blinks before shaking her head. She must be imagining things to see Kamui's violet eyes look dull for a second, hazed, but after Yuzuriha blink, Kamui's eyes seem to be the same. 

Kamui is fine…right?


	9. Cat!Subaru AU! (IV)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kamui had thought it over as he brings his legs to his chest, Noir’s stuff is still in that room, he didn’t have the heart to clean it out like he wanted to. Forgiving him might be easy, but he isn’t sure if he can trust Subaru again. The first thing he needs to do is to find out how Subaru became Noir.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I only own ooc characters, not X/1999 characters.

_Contemplating_

_After Meeting With Nokoru_

After the talk with the Chairman of CLAMP Campus, Kamui curls up against the couch in his apartment. The silence shouldn’t have felt unnerving or too quiet, and he lets it stir his mind. Contemplating whether to forgive Subaru or not, to trust or keep a distance. Kamui still feels he’s justifiably right in kicking Noir- _Subaru_ out of his apartment. Justified enough to ignore the surprised hurt on the Sakurazukamori’s face when his pain encompasses his heart at that moment.

It was surprising to see Subaru there after three years. Kamui hasn’t been keeping track, not when the other seems to be avoiding all remaining Dragons that survived the Promised Day. It had hurt initially, but Kamui understood that Subaru’s duty now was to the Tree, a dead man's legacy, and that stings before that too went to a dull ache.

Kamui hadn’t known when he decided it was alright to avoid Subaru altogether, not as if he was a plague, but somethings like attachment or memories with strong feelings should be kept quiet about because the onmyouji still loved Sakurazuka Seishiro. Sighing, Kamui runs his fingers through his hair and stares at the pillow on the other side of the armrest. He can remember how much Noir had love snuggling up to him. When he was reading a book, Noir would nuzzle into his hand and thankful for the scratches. The way he curls up on his lap- Kamui’s breath hitches, eyes widening and furious blush blooms across his face.

Since _Noir_ is _Subaru_ , does that mean that Subaru had snuggled into his lap? Felt the kiss on his head whenever _Noir_ did something that made Kamui happy? Kamui shuts down those thoughts before they tread to _dangerous_ territory, a place he’s doesn’t want to dwell into because it’ll never be a reality. Were those gestures real? He never owned a pet, let alone a cat, before. Kamui swallows and pushes those thoughts further aside.

Dwelling whether to forgive Subaru, after all, that look on his face looks to be too genuine to be a fake, a _lie_ as if he wasn’t expecting Kamui to kick him out like that. There was a saying ‘No animal ever thinks that its owner abandoned it,’ and Kamui could feel a shiver going down the spine at remembering Nokoru’s remark that Subaru had been last seen near his apartment. He doesn’t think Subaru would kill him, he hasn’t done any of those yet to him, and while that’s a slight hope, Kamui wonders if he can still trust Subaru with that.

Forgiving Subaru should have been easy; a single sentence should be sufficient, asking for an apology from Subaru or perhaps a reason why as to Subaru had changed sides isn’t. Maybe they will cross the bridge there, maybe. But as of now, he decides he’s burned out all his anger for the onmyouji now. Kamui had thought it over as he brings his legs to his chest, Noir’s stuff is still in that room, he didn’t have the heart to clean it out like he wanted to.Forgiving him might be easy, but he isn’t sure if he can trust Subaru again. The first thing he needs to do, is to find out how Subaru became Noir.

* * *

_Follow_

(Same period as ‘Window’ Drabble)

_Morning_

It wasn’t easy to track down or following the trail as to what had turned Subaru into a cat. There were whispers of the magic of a woman in a blue sweatshirt and grey sweatpants and raven hair with silver eyes and had a vast amount of magic on her fingertips. No one knows her actual name, but the people that talked about her always referred as a sorceress, that her magic turns people to animals. The woman mutters under her breath angrily, still in a bad mood but from what he heard from the rumours circling, it hadn’t always been that way. She had been moody, but she was a bit lighter than before. She was in the company of one o the eligible lawyers in Japan.A kind-hearted one with a firm determination and unafraid of making enemies, and Kamui winches as he begins to pick the pieces up together.

It’s entirely possible that lawyer had cross paths with someone that didn’t like what he was doing and had commissioned to eliminate him. Sighing, Kamui follows after the trail and came upon the sorceress going into the _Black Cat_ shop. Looking through the window, he could see hundreds of books line up on the shelves, wooden staffs brimming with magic. It’s quite surprising since Subaru never told him about this place before, let alone let him follow after him during a case. Kamui looks back at the door, and he forces himself not to step back at seeing silver eyes staring back at him annoyed.

“You are bothering my friend, leave.” The woman said coldly, and Kamui hesitates before standing firm.

“Are you the sorceress?” Kamui asks warily, and the woman raises an eyebrow at him.

“Who’s talking? I don’t do favours anymore.” The woman said stubbornly, however, Kamui is stubborn as well.

“Do you turn people to cats?” The woman stiffens at his question, narrows her silver eyes at him. She tilts her head to the door; her raven bangs sway with the movement.

“In here.” The woman walks to the door, gives him an expecting look over her shoulder before opening the door. Suppressing his nerves, Kamui follows into the store after her.

“Who wants to know?” The sorceress asks, and Kamui pauses from looking around the shop before looking at her, levelling his eyes to her silver eyes.

“I’ve been told you make the impossible happen. I want to know if you can stop a magical tree from desiring more souls.” The sorceress blinks her silver eyes at him before humming.

“This information will cost you.” The sorceress said. “Are you sure you are willing to pay for it?” Kamui frowns, he doesn’t have any money that could pay by thousands as Nokoru does or something valuable he can offer.

“I don’t have anything that I can use as payment,” Kamui said and the cashier of the store giggles, her hand covers her mouth to silence it further. The sorceress rolls her eyes and barks at the cashier to keep her mind out of the gutter before looking back at Kamui.

“We don’t need money or valuables. Although I am curious as to why you are doing this for someone, I won’t ask. I only need two payments from you. The first, lead me to this magical tree you’ve mentioned to me. The second, I would need a cup of your blood. Do we have a deal?” Kamui thins his lips; it’s nothing he has anything to lose besides the remaining friends he still has in this world.

“I accept.”

* * *

_Awakening_

(A Day after ‘Window’)

Kamui doesn’t remember when he had fallen unconscious, only remembering that he had given blood to the sorceress, went to the tree and given a pint of blood to it. He doesn’t remember how he had gone to his apartment. He groans, his hands' twitches, arms itching to stretch and he felt something warm holding his hand. Kamui turns to look at whoever had been holding his hand, and he inhaled a breath, eyes widening at seeing Subaru unconscious. Arms folded on the bed, pillowing his hand, Subaru’s gloved fingers had intertwined with his.

Kamui blinks as if trying to register what he’s seeing in front of him is _real_ , and a part of him, the stubborn part of him itches to wrench his fingers away from Subaru’s hold but couldn’t. Looking at Subaru’s face, he notices the dark shadows under his eyes, the slight wrinkles on his face, and despite what his mind had thought back then, Kamui still thinks Subaru is beautiful and- Kamui swallows, forces the blush down to a minimum, but Subaru continues on his slumber. Kamui wonders if he should pretend to sleep, turn his head away. Kamui’s karma says differently. The older man begins to stir in his sleep, having felt the twitch of Kamui’s fingers in his hold and Subaru opens his eyes to see him. Subaru blinks once, let’s go of Kamui’s hand, before pulling him into his arms, pressing his face into his neck and Kamui is confused.

“Subaru…?” Kamui croaks out, hoarsely, and Subaru tightens his hug around the younger adult.

“Don’t you  _ever_ do that again,” Subaru whispers into his ear, and Kamui barely manages to suppress a shiver at the feeling of warm breath touching the skin of his ear. “You don’t have to anything for _me_.” Kamui blinks, wonders at the tone in Subaru’s voice and unsure if he should decrypt it.

“…you don’t have to go out and hunt anymore,” Kamui said as he finally worked his mouth. “and I _should_ since you’ve done a lot for me. _I_ wouldn’t be here if you didn’t help me get back up then.” It was a truth, one that Kamui will willingly say it over and over again.

“Don’t. You don’t have to.” Subaru buries his nose into Kamui’s neck, and while it’s an intimate gesture, he doesn’t think he wants to let go anytime soon. Kamui blinks and sighs, his hand reaches up before he strokes the back of Subaru’s back, rubbing up and down with his hand.

“How long did I sleep?” Kamui asks. Other questions could be asked later, and Subaru loosens up the tight hug and moves away.

“Only for a day, it’s currently the afternoon.” Kamui blinks at Subaru’s answer, made a move to get up but was gently pushed back down onto the mattress.

“You should rest,” Subaru said, his voice takes a stern tone, and Kamui frowns.

“I’m not a kid anymore Subaru, I’ve been fine these past three years.” Kamui doesn’t feel any regret in saying that, he doesn’t feel a vindictive satisfaction on Subaru wincing at that.

“Besides I need to cook and clean up the apartment and-”Subaru shook his head, and Kamui frowns, he was about to protest until their hands intertwined again.

“I…do you have any idea how scared _I_ was? When you came back looking pale, exhausted, and _unconscious_?” Kamui stiffens and looks away, not sure how to answer Subaru’s questions.

“I’m fine, aren’t I?” Kamui said, and his eyes widened as Subaru gently but firmly turn his chin and makes him look at him.

“Promise _me_ ; you’ll never do that unless you tell _me_ ,” Subaru asks, his eyes reflect the seriousness of his tone. Kamui breath hitches and chews on his lip before resigning.

“I _will_ , but no promises.” It’s as best as he could get out of Kamui, but Subaru likes to think he’ll be relied on even more despite being close to Kamui’s face now. His heart beating, it’s with difficulty to not look at Kamui’s lips, the ones that had been kissed by other people and wanted them to kiss him. He shook his head slowly out of those thoughts, of wondering if Kamui’s lips are soft and warm as they look.

All that matter is that Kamui is safe.

Subaru can continue on his life as the Sakurazukamori, but the thought of Kamui had given blood to the tree, he’s worried how long the tree will be satiated from the taste of Kamui’s blood.

Either way, he’ll make sure to be by Kamui’s side as much as he can, as long as Kamui allows him to.


	10. Canon AU (I)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Where Kamui and Subaru exist in the same timeline, Kamui is one year younger than Subaru, and are best friends, but Subaru has never met Seishiro when he was nine.

It’s strange, Kamui thought as he looks at the ceiling, a line of blush on his face he could hardly keep down. His face had flared earlier to full redness before he managed to suppress it to light pink, his best friend usually takes better care of himself. Hokuto had made sure to drill it into Subaru before they went on a case.

Still, Kamui wonders, he is worried about Subaru, feel a lump in his throat whenever the onmyoji might be in danger, even if he was waiting for Subaru to leave the area where the case took place. Kamui feels his heart tightens, remembers the injuries that Subaru gained as soon as a case is done. He hates how he couldn’t protect Subaru from getting hurt, even if Subaru reassured him that he’s doing something for him.

Kamui feels Subaru nuzzles into his stomach, taking him away from depressing thoughts and bringing back that said blush. He wants to pout, how is it possible that his best friend could make him blush so easily? It’s a different sort of feeling than Hokuto pushing him into stores, dresses him up in the outfits she thought off. Adding to the burn, Hokuto had dragged Subaru with him whenever he is available, and it’s a different level of embarrassment. It brings a tingle into his body, makes his stomach do flips. It’s different than wanting to crawl into some dark place and never be discovered Hokuto level of embarrassment. Kamui’s fingers absently cards through Subaru’s hair, and Kamui inhales a gasp when Subaru nuzzles into his stomach more, clutches the end of his clothes and Kamui takes steady breaths to calm down his heart that seems to be beating loud in his ears.

Unbeknownst to Kamui, Subaru is indeed awake and somehow managed to keep his blush down. It’s embarrassing to do this, guiltily thinking Kamui responds to this touch because Kamui deserves affection. He wasn’t lying when he told Kamui that he is doing something. _’Was it strange that I want to come home to him waiting for me?’_ Subaru wonders, his heart thuds, wondering if it was selfish of him to keep Kamui all to himself. It honestly felt nice to have those fingers run through his hair, to bask in Kamui’s warmth as if he was there with him for his whole life. Subaru had seen the worry, the guilt that came from an injury he gained. It’s painful, as he nuzzles into Kamui’s stomach, to see that worried look on Kamui’s face, and yet he couldn’t help but be happy about it.

It’s an odd feeling to feel happy about, but at the same time Subaru gently clutch the end of Kamui’s shirt, it’s nice to feel something like this or to have someone worried over him as Kamui does. He wonders if it’s too bold of him of wanting to wrap an arm around Kamui’s middle, wanting to nuzzle into the warmth of his skin. Still, as Subaru’s eyes grew tired, he thinks he wouldn’t mind staying like this forever with Kamui. Kamui is _warm_ , radiating with light, and beautiful. There are two tickets in the pocket of his red jacket, and Subaru wonders if he still has time to give one to Kamui.

 _‘I’ll ask him tomorrow.’_ Subaru thinks before begins to dozing off to Kamui’s warmth.


	11. Pet Groomer AU (I)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An au where Kamui is a pet groomer and Subaru visits the pet salon that Kamui works at.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Inspired by knigharcrana's combini au in tumblr, and wanting to have a reverse crush scene. In which Subaru becomes flustered around a pet groomer that grooms and styles Hokuto's dog, Suppi.
> 
> Note: I also don't own Card Captor Sakura, that also belongs to CLAMP.

It started with getting the supplies and bringing back Hokuto's puppy, Suppi, who seems to have watchful blue eyes with raven fur. As Subaru was about to open the door, he heard laughter. Soft, in a resonant tone, and he looks at the window just in time to see Suppi shakes his fur from the remaining water that clings to his coat. A young pet groomer, chocolate hair and shielding away from the splashes of water being sprayed everywhere with his arms. Most people would stay away from Suppi, or get him to sit still to try and dry him off.

This one didn't, and as Subaru watches spell bounded, the groomer opens his violet eyes. A smile still on his lips as he gently scolds Suppi before sighing with exasperated fondness. The boy turns on the dryer to blow the fur dry, to properly cut it before styling it.

"Come on, Suppi, let's dry you before wemake you look beautiful." The boy said as he begins to dry the canine. What Subaru didn't know then was that his mind was enchanted with seeing the small smile and the gentle care the groomer gives to Suppi. The boy runs his fingers gently through the dark fur, and Subaru, wonders absently, what it would feel like to have those hands running through his hair.

Subaru, flushing, shook his head away from those thoughts. After taking a couple of breaths, Subaru manages to go into the shop and greet the cashier. The touch of the confused frown grows on the boy's face when the cashier came and told him that someone is there to pick up the puppy. The groomer nods and comes out of the salon room with Suppi in his arms.

Suppi struggled, managed to get out of the groomer's arms, rubs its head against Subaru's ankles. Subaru was about to open his mouth to say his gratitude with the groomer for taking care of Suppi and watching over him, but the words are tongue-tied.

While the boy's eyes shine like violets, it's in a shade that Subaru never saw before in other people's eyes.


	12. Rewrite Canon AU (I)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> That missing scene that should have happened in both manga and anime of TRC, because sincerely, what happened to self-defence?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Entirely based on headcanon, and I sincerely want to rewrite it, because of my headcanon version of TRC!Kamui would totally do this to TRC!Fuuma.

Kamui grits his teeth, a snarl of disgust crawled over his lips when that irritating hunter pulled him close in a somewhat intimate embrace with his lengthened nails all tangled up in that infuriating thread of his.

How can he be so _stupid_ in falling into Fuuma’s trap?! Kamui mentally berates himself.

No one sees it coming, especially not his captor, when Kamui _acts_ upon being captured. Kamui takes a breath, shifts his stance subtly and promptly stomps on the hunter's foot. The treasure hunter yelps in pain, loosening his grip on the vampire, and Kamui uses the momentum. He kicks his captor up with his groin, resulting most men wincing at the impact made, uses his bound arms and throws Fuuma over his shoulder and slamming him on to the ground. On his back. _Hard_. There was silence, even stunned stares from everyone on the floor with the twins at what just happened before them. Subaru, the first to snap out of it, goes over to his twin and helps untangle the rope from his arms and claws. Both of them ignore the sounds of groans, painful ones, caused by said captor lying on the ground.

"Are you all right?" Subaru asks worriedly and checks over his darling twin for injuries. Kamui nods and allows Subaru to pull him away from the hunter, who is blinking up at the ceiling in a daze. Kurogane raises an eyebrow at this, nods in approval at how Kamui handled Fuuma, and despite the situation, Mokona whistles.

"That was impressive!” Mokona said as it reclaims its place on Kamui's shoulder, Kamui shrugs, and its only Subaru showing relief in his eyes that Kamui instinctively retracts a slight flush from appearing on him.

"It's nothing to be impressed about," Kamui said with a slight shrug, and if Subaru’s hand on his elbow tightens slightly before relaxing, runs circles with his thumb on the bone of his elbow, Kamui choose to ignore it for now.

The problem is, Kamui isn’t sure how can he stay still without Subaru mumbling _death threats_ into his mind in regards to Fuuma. Kamui swallows down for more saliva into his mouth at hearing the latest er…let's say it involves a lot of paper cuts and ointment, a _lot_ of them, being spoken by Subaru once he manages to be alone with Fuuma.

That threat makes him want to pull his twin out of the world fast enough so his twin could focus on _other things_ and nothing that concerns _that man._


	13. Don't Let Me Go AU (II)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> At first, you thought it’s going to be easy. Life is never easy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Part of this drabble au story was inspired by this song called 'A Few Miles' by Joker Xue.

_Try_

It should have been easy. To stop loving someone that loves another, Kamui mused. Sleep should have been natural as well, moving on should have been easy as well.

Even with meeting his friends or staying back in the apartment he shares with Yuzuriha and Karen, Kamui wants to hold himself in his room and break everything in it and scream, scream at the unfairness of his life, scream that his heart continues to love someone that is slowly becoming happier even though it’s painful. His dreams are filled with Subaru, _Subaru_ next to him, _Subaru_ holding his hand, _Subaru_ holding him close in his embrace.

Kamui wants those dreams to stop, wants to put an end to the poison called love. Yearning seems to grow as well with the poison, watering it. As days go, the emptiness of having half of a heart grows. Kamui finds himself sleeping more, dazing off more. He manages to catch himself from tripping more often, and often he's with someone. Perhaps that's why he agrees to go out with someone that _isn’t_ Subaru.

"Shiro-kun, sorry for the wait!" Keiichi said as he ran up to him, panting out of breath. Kamui blinks, can easily see those redden cheeks are from running to where he is. Those brown eyes seem bright, eager for today's activity, almost like a puppy.

Maybe Kamui should try as well, try and experience something others could give him instead of what his heart desires.

"It's all right." Kamui manages to smile, leans away from the street light pole. His wool gloves are stuffed in his gray toggle jacket, fitting for this time of the year.

"We should hurry, the lightning of the Christmas tree over in the main square looks amazing," Keiichi said excitedly, enthusiasm seems to be radiating off from his date. Infectious even that Kamui couldn't help but smile back.

“Sounds great.” Even if they are dating and it didn’t go well, at least Kamui could say he _tried._  

* * *

_Strength_

There’s nothing but bliss filling Subaru’s soul. Of being relieved that somehow he was about to have Seishiro back. His predecessor seems to be getting stronger, able to move his limbs and walking around without falling over or having a sign of dizziness.

Taking care of him has fallen into Subaru’s hands, eagerly for seeing Seishiro regain back his health, his full strength. He only knows how to cook basics, which seems to amuse the older man.

Its the beginning of the third week of December, Subaru was going out and buying groceries when he saw _them_. _He_ and his friend seem to be happy with one another, enjoying each other’s company, casually walking around.

Subaru would have left them alone if _he_ didn’t smile at his friend the _smiles_ that reserved for Subaru. He would have gone if those beautiful _lilac eyes_ didn’t sparkle at his friend. If _he_ didn’t seem to lean against his friend in that one arm embrace that pulls him close, and his friend is nuzzling into his hair.

Subaru stood rooted at the spot, behind the glass of a supermarket, and feels a turmoil in his heart that seems to be chaotic from every smile that his friend earned.

 _'They are hanging out, nothing wrong with that.'_ Subaru's mind seems to argue feebly even though his fingers itch to take hold of _his_ hand and pull _him_ away, put a wedg _e_ through their bond and make them stay as _friends._ To receive those _smiles_ back, have those _eyes_ sparkle at him. Every single gesture that _he_ does sends a _sting_ through his heart despite the flow of sweetness that seems to be over compassed by-

Subaru breath stills when _Kamui’s_ friend leans down and kisses him on the forehead, and while the gesture is innocent and sweet, the resulting blush on _Kamui’s_ face sends a pang into his heart and increasing desire to have the Sakura petals consume _Kamui’s_ friend.

Looking away takes much effort, even more so to walk away. Seishiro is waiting for him, had managed to cook up dinner. It's just stepping away now seems to be more painful when he wants to rush back and pull _Kamui_ away from _Keiichi_.

That shouldn’t make sense when the person he wanted was at his home, waiting. 

* * *

_Meet Up_

His heart shouldn't throb when he finds Kamui alone one day. It shouldn't hope that the boy was alone, drinking the cup of tea elegantly when his mind reminds him that he should get going. That he had cut off Kamui from his life the moment, he accepted the tree's power.

Still, Subaru's feet took him where it shouldn't, brings him to the very place where his heart is throbbing painfully for being near him. He coughs behind his hand, and Subaru would have smiled a bit at seeing the surprised violet eyes looking at him, almost as if he hadn't expected him to be there.

"Is this seat taken?" Subaru asks hesitantly, and Kamui blinks away his surprise before looking at him with confused wariness.

“Go ahead.” How long has it been since he last heard Kamui’s voice that sounds like a cello? How long did it take for those eyes to look at him and he feels his breath hitching when they are looking at him? Subaru takes the opposite seat from Kamui, and an awkward silence had fallen between them.

‘How are you doing?’ Seems easy to start with, but Subaru knows that the other has a temper and could be stubborn when he doesn’t want to listen. Staring at the clear liquid of the cup, he wonders which question should be the right ones to ask or start a conversation with the boy.

“You look _happy_." Subaru looks up to see Kamui smile gently at him. Was _he_ truly happy? His heart although beating feels as it stopped before restarting again. Seishiro is back and safe. Could almost walk from one room to down the hallway. Was he happy for that improvement? Yes. Was he happy that it _was_ Kamui that was asking? He doesn’t know. His heart still throbs painfully even by the close distance with Kamui.

“I _do_?" Subaru echoes and for a second, he thought he saw Kamui's eyes had become dull, there's a lacklustre of shine in them, and his breath stills before his blinks. Kamui's eyes look the same. Maybe it was Subaru's imagination when he thought Kamui's eyes had looked dull earlier. Perhaps it was due to restless sleep he has gotten when he saw Kamui a month ago.

“Yeah, you look _better_." There's something wrong in those words that it contains an emotion that Subaru couldn't put the finger on. Was he happy? He should be _since_ Seishiro has come back, but there is a faint ache brewing inside of him. 

“I guess.” Subaru’s heart skips a beat at seeing the relieved smile on Kamui's face. The genuine of it makes the ache grew.

"I'm glad," Kamui said softly and precisely like that, the boy manages to bring ease into the atmosphere between them. Subaru couldn't tell how much he misses this, of how relaxing and understanding the few words between them. Kamui checks his watch and blinks at the time, a softer smile, one that Subaru never saw before, spreads across the boy's lips. Subaru couldn't look away from it. His heart thumps as it slowly sinks to his stomach.

"I should get going. I'm meeting up with Keiichi at the movies before we head for yakitori in Akasaka." Kamui said as he pays for his tea, pain echoes in Subaru that he manages to push away. Kamui deserves to have a life after Promised Day, deserves to have a special someone (no matter how bitter that thought sounds in his mind) after everything thrown at him.

"If you need anything to talk about, let me know, and I'll be here to hear about it," Subaru said, the words flowing out of his lips before he could stop them, and Kamui looks at him in surprise before nodding.

“I will.” The boy said with a smile, the one he usually smiles at _him_ before he left. The steps the boy take brings the ache back and disappearing into the crowd of people. Subaru stares after him before sighing. He should get going as well. A waitress approached his table.

“Here’s your matcha tea, sir.” Subaru looks at the waitress with a confused stare, puzzled since he hadn’t ordered anything.

“I hadn’t ordered anything.” The waitress blink at his answer.

"I think it's the young man that left. He already paid for your drink as well." The waitress said, and Subaru's eyes widen. The waitress frowns thoughtfully.

"He didn't dump you, right?" The waitress asks. Subaru shook his head at this question, suppressing a blush on his face. He and Kamui aren't like that.

"He's...We're friends, catching up with each other." Subaru said, and the waitress hums. "He's going out on a date with another person."

The waitress makes a sound that sounds like she had reached an understanding, but even so, it's not her business to pry into her customer's love life. Still, she had caught sight of the man's stare after the teen. At first, she wondered if she should call the police, but what stopped her is the same stare from the teen that the man didn't notice. Then again, perhaps she should leave some advice for the man. The waitress had already seen countless love stories, both flourishing and sad ones, unfolded at this very cafe.

“Sometimes the happiness we thought we want _isn’t_ the happiness that we need.” The waitress murmurs and Subaru looks at her, furrows his eyebrows and the waitress shrugs. “Happiness _isn’t_ something that _others_ thought we wanted. If you want _happiness_ , you have to find _it_.” The waitress said before smiling politely. “It’s just a thought.”

“I _already_ found my happiness," Subaru said a bit annoyed and the waitress raises an amused eyebrow.

“Then are _you_ happy with it?” Subaru blink _, no one_ had asked him that question, and certainly not from his late twin or Seishiro. He, himself, hadn’t thought about it either. 

“You don’t have to answer that now. Think it over, ok?” The waitress said politely and left to attend another table, leaving Subaru stewing in his thoughts and fingering the edge of the matcha tea in front of him.

 _‘What is happiness?’_ Subaru's mind wonders. Hokuto did say true happiness comes from granting a person's wish. Seishiro's happiness was from being killed by Subaru, something that made Subaru grimace at that. However, it still doesn't answer his question. As Subaru begins to think over it more, his mind is left with more questions even when he made it back home. 

* * *

_Can’t_

The words ‘ _I love you_ ' are written neatly on the note. Kamui isn't sure how to respond to it because, for one, it wouldn't be fair to either of them. Two, Kamui feels that the pace, of their relationship, itself, is too fast, he still didn't know much about Keiichi to trust him about his powers. Three, he couldn't go through the relationship even if he tried. It isn’t Keiichi’s fault; it’s _his_. His heart had already chosen to love someone. Someone that is already _happy_ with another. Fourth, he _shouldn’t_ put Keiichi through the heartbreak.

Maybe he should move away so he can at least think about it, to give some thoughts about what to do with his life after he graduates. Gripping the paper, he looks at Keiichi before looking away sadly.

“I _can’t_ answer that question now," Kamui said apologetically, and it's an awkward silence between them, Keiichi has been his best friend, how can _he_ do this to him?

“I understand, there's someone that you like very much," Keiichi said reassuringly, his voice laced with sadness in it and it makes Kamui almost _flinch_ guilty at being the cause of it.

"I'm sorry," Kamui said softly, and Keiichi sighs and pulls Kamui into a hug.

“If it doesn’t work out for you, I’ll always be _here_ , waiting," Keiichi said, and Kamui closes his eyes, he doesn't know if it will work out for him because he's hesitant about saying those words to someone else. Leaning into the hug, Kamui wonders if he could get over what his heart is yearning. He had tried to date Keiichi, but nothing sparks inside of him or brings a fluttery feeling inside of him. Still, Keiichi's gesture for comfort is appreciated.

“Thank you.”

* * *

_Sleep_

It’s well into the beginning of March, Kamui still talks with Keiichi even after turning down the confession last week in February. He finds himself to be sleeping more than usual that his friends or the people around him started to worry. However every time the subject was bought up, maybe it’s foolish of him to continue to pretend, that nothing is _wrong_. Kamui knows what’s _wrong_ , knows that this is the cause of his fault. Sitting on a park bench in his gray jacket and black scarf, it's still chilly during the spring.

“Kamui?” His head snaps up at the call of his name, and Kamui is surprised to see Subaru. The older man always seems to _manage_ to find him, in places where he least wanted to be noticed.

“Hey.” Kamui paused. “How are you doing?” Subaru frowns at his questions and looks over Kamui, noticing the dark shadows that don’t seem to be there before since he last saw the boy in January.

"You haven't been sleeping well," Subaru stated, and Kamui shrugs, not wanting to argue with the man about it.

“I _haven’t_ been sleeping much lately.” _Correction_ : He _had_ been sleeping more than before.

“You _should_ get some rest," Subaru said, and Kamui wonders if he should. Perhaps he was a bit tired of his life, a bit jaded over tragedies that define him.

“I’ll _see_ if I can get some," Kamui mumbles out. He's surprised that Subaru decides to walk a little closer before sitting next to him, and tugs him to lean onto his arm.

“Why _didn’t_ you say you were getting more tired since the last time we've met up?" Kamui didn't answer Subaru's question, how is _fair_ for Subaru to manage to bring his heart to beating more than a second? To send his stomach to flip-flops as if butterflies were fluttering in his stomach?

“I _didn’t_ want to worry you," Kamui said. His eyelids feel heavier than earlier, he _shouldn’t_ feel sleepier than he is now.

"Why?" Subaru asks, and that question feels faint in Kamui's ears, like an echo, that he almost didn't register the question. It's strange to know that Subaru would be _worried_ about him even after he left.

“ _You_ should be happy…” Kamui murmurs and his eyes finally give in to sleep. Maybe if he takes this nap, he’ll be _fine_ later on, like he had been for the rest of these days. 

Except when Subaru tries to wake him up, Kamui _doesn’t_ wake up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No, this is not the end! It's not!


	14. Cat!Subaru AU! (V)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things fit like a puzzle, and sometimes it’ll take more or effort to go from just words to a little more touch.

_Conversation_

A knife can easily cut the awkwardness of the silence between them, but then that's something Kamui expected, it’s something that _Subaru_ should have known. Falling into a routine has been comfortable than saying words. Subaru knows he has a lot to do to make the tension between them ease up, to go back to having conversations like they've used to be Subaru left.

“Here," Kamui said, quietly as if not wanting to disturb the comfortable of the awkwardness between them, as he placed a cup of green tea in front of the onmyouji. In front of Kamui is another cup of green tea.

"Thanks." Subaru murmurs out, and Kamui nods.

“Just so you know, I don’t regret my decision in giving my blood to the Tree,” Kamui said softly, and Subaru grips the handle of his cup. "so you shouldn’t regret your decision on leaving.”

"Even if you knew why I'd done that?" Subaru asks hesitantly, and Kamui hesitates before looking into the murky liquid of his green tea.

"Even if I knew why you'd done that," Kamui said softly, his fingers traced the rim of the cup before he looks back at Subaru. "I don't know if I should trust you again even when I've already forgiven you." It's the truth, and even though it sounded painful, it's better than a lie, Subaru thinks.

"…I don't think I have an apartment anymore." Subaru said muses, and Kamui blinks before looking at Subaru confused.

“Why? What happened to it?” Kamui asks curiosity, and Subaru shrugs his shoulders.

“I think I didn’t pay the rent and I’m possibly be evicted by it since I’ve gone missing.” Kamui blinks at Subaru’s answer.

“How is it possible you’ve gone missing? You’ve _been_ here with me since you were a cat-" Kamui words halted and it dawns to him as to _why_ Subaru might not have an apartment anymore, other than being a cat, the Sakurazukamori has been _living_ with _him_ for _months_. Kamui stiffens and tries to push down the blush as other thoughts, more inappropriate than the last came into his mind. Does that _mean_ that Subaru had saw…and when Kamui was washing him as _Noir_ …?

“You can stay here!” Kamui squeaks out before leaving the cup of green tea in the kitchen and books it for his bedroom. He doesn’t look back at the confused stare he gains from Subaru, even as he closed the door behind him. Sliding down on the door, he presses a hand to his cheek. It feels hot to the _touch_ , burning and Kamui would be very _happy_ if his floor swallows him up now. Covering his eyes, Kamui withholds a groan.

Why _does_ everything with this man had to be so complicated? 

* * *

_Puzzlement_

Subaru is confused, _Kamui_ makes him feel confused. One minute he's posed, calm, the next he’s red and flustering before leaving hastily for his bedroom.

It’s not like Seishiro, where that older man had kept everything in a tightly wrapped secret and revealing it all in one go, making the illusion of a fantasy disappear with a snap of fingers. Kamui was open, _bare_ , like an open book, but even books have a few surprises that a reader never expects. They are full of hidden plot holes that drags the reader into more confusion; questions bounce in their mind and yearning to read more. Kamui _is_ like that, and whether he _noticed_ or not, he keeps Subaru interested. No, _not_ interested, but _curious_ enough to want to stay. _Curious_ to know that he doesn’t hear those whispers anymore from the Tree that used to frequent in his mind.

They said that curiosity kills the cat, even though the satisfaction had brought it back. That quote has never been more accurate in Subaru's case since he _was_ a cat not too long ago.

Kamui _has_ always been beautiful, Subaru _knew_ that. The teen had _grown_ into his age, and it pains Subaru to know that somewhere in the future, Kamui _might_ fall for someone. Someone _other_ than him. His heart throbs painfully at that, he _doesn’t_ want to give up Kamui but what else is he supposed to do when the young adult had forgiven him but seems to put a distance between them.

Even so, hearing that Kamui had _forgiven_ him lifted a weight off of him, along with the fact that he’s allowed to stay here with Kamui. It's the first step between them, but it still doesn't explain as to why Kamui’s face has turned bright red, hastily saying out those words in a squeak (something that made Subaru’s eyes widen since it’s his first time hearing one from his former leader) before leaving for the bedroom.

Subaru frowns darkly. If it's something to do with one of Kamui’s ex, he isn’t sure how long if he’ll last without _wanting_ Kamui. 

* * *

_Tentative_

Neither of them is sure who _made_ the first move or even took the first step, but they have fallen into a steady routine without words. It was tentative at first, and Kamui was understandably hesitant about doing anything, and Subaru isn’t willing to push. It was absent at first. Kamui’s fingers itch as if trying to solve the absence of _Noir’s_ fur that it used to run through before they found Subaru’s _hair_ and combs through it gently. Subaru breath stops before his lips, and Kamui looks like he didn't notice as he keeps reading until realizing that it wasn't _Noir’s_ fur he's carding through but _Subaru’s_. Kamui stiffened and was about to withdraw his hand when Subaru encase his wrist gently and pulls Kamui’s hand back into place.

"It feels nice when you do that," Subaru said, laying his head near Kamui’s lap. Kamui’s fingers stiffen before carding his fingers through Subaru’s hair gently.

“I’m _sorry_. It’s a force of habit.” Kamui said apologetically, and Subaru wonders how _alone_ the boy has been.

“I’m _still_ Noir. I'm still that _Subaru_ you used to know," Subaru said, and Kamui’s breath stutters before he swallows.

“I _know_.” There’s a heavy sort of feeling in Kamui’s voice, almost damp with wetness and at first Subaru panics before Kamui gently lays his head on his lap and continue brushing his hair.

“Just stay _there_." Subaru blinks at the stern tone in Kamui’s voice before relaxing. He can feel the tremble in Kamui’s fingers.

“Kamui..I…” Subaru breath stutters as he feels the gentle hands continue to run through his hair.

“It’s _not_ your fault, so stop _blaming_ yourself," Kamui said. “You _didn’t_ know like I _didn’t_ know about what Fuuma was up to.” Kamui paused, swallows again. “I should be the one to apologize for kicking you out like _that_. I was angry, mad at myself for being an _idiot_. I… _wanted_ to find you,” Subaru sharply inhales at those words. “not _knowing_ what happened to you, I eventually come to terms that _you_ didn’t want to be found even though I was _worried_.” Subaru slips out of Kamui’s grasp to sit up and look at Kamui. Bangs overshadowed his former leader's eyes, and since Kamui had touched him, it’s only fair to touch him back. He gently runs his fingers through Kamui’s hair.

“You _wanted_ to find _me_?" Subaru's asks tentatively, and Kamui stills before nodding.

"I…also wanted to let go of some things," Kamui said softly, and Subaru tilts his head up, to see those violet eyes shine wet. Kamui pulls himself out of Subaru’s grasp.

“ _You_ shouldn’t have to worry about _me_. _Worry_ about _yourself_ first.” Kamui said, letting out a small smile that makes Subaru ache to want to pull his former leader into his arms. Before Subaru knows what he was doing, he does that, pulls Kamui into his arms. Kamui stiffens in surprise before slowly relaxing in the Sakurazukamori’s arms, the younger adult easily fitting into his hold, and it hurts Subaru because it also means that Kamui has yet to trust him again.

Trust is a two-way street after all.

“Thank _you_ for letting me _stay_ ," Subaru said softly into Kamui’s ear as if thanking him more than just letting him stay with him.

“You _are_ welcome," Kamui said, leans into Subaru's embrace, it's familiar and unfamiliar at the same time.

Feelings aside, the first step is regaining the trust he had with his leader. It may be different, it may be same, but if Subaru _wants_ Kamui to _want_ him as he does, he should at least _try_.


	15. Canon AU (II)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He’s late, he prays to all gods that favoured him that person is still waiting for him there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My late Valentine's Day drabble for SubKam.

The case took longer than he thought, and it’s already night. Well past the time of the meet up as Subaru ran to the meeting place. He ignores Hokuto’s annoyed voice as he heads to the park, hoping beyond hope that his crush will still be there, _waiting_ , for him. 

 _“Kamui,” Subaru pauses as Kamui hums at the question, he likes how Kamui brushes his fingers through his hair. “are you planning to do anything tomorrow?” The onmyouji asks hesitantly, and Kamui looks at him in surprise. Pink dusted on Kamui’s cheeks._

 

_“N-Not really_ _,_ _” Kamui said_ _,_ _and Subaru’s heart skips a beat at seeing the adorable flush on the other boy’s face._

Going through the park gates, in one of his gloved hands is a wrapped up box, his free hand is holding his hat. Subaru grits his teeth hopes he can make it in time. Guilt and desperation wells inside of him for being late and hopes Kamui could forgive him.

_Hokuto’s voice whispers into Subaru’s mind that if he doesn’t hurry it up, someone will catch Kamui’s attention. “H-Hokuto-chan has given me two tickets to see a movie. I-I was wondering if you would like to go as well.” Subaru stutters out, face slowly turning red. Much to his surprise, Kamui’s face turns redder, violet eyes widening in surprise._

_“I-I would like that_ _,_ _” Kamui said, looking at anywhere but him, but all Subaru could think at that moment now is how beautiful Kamui looks when’s he’s blushing like this._

Turning in another corner, he spots Kamui leaning against a street light, wearing a green jacket, a button up white shirt and sky blue jeans and black sneakers. His usual brown shoulder bag with him. A forlorn face marred his features that changes to surprise and worry at seeing Subaru.

“Subaru? Are you alright? Did you just came all the way here from a case?” Kamui asks as he hurries over to Subaru. Subaru, who is bent over, catching his breath from running.

“I-I’m fine. Let me catch my breath first.” Subaru pants out the words, heart beating erratically, and Kamui makes a worried noise before taking his shoulder bag and brings out a thermos. Opening up the thermos, he gives the water bottle over to Subaru to drink. Subaru _gratefully_ takes the thermos, mutters thanks to Kamui, and carefully takes a sip before swallowing a mouthful of water carefully.

“You know you didn’t have to come all the way here by foot,” Kamui said with concern and Subaru nearly chokes on his water, looks away with a faint blush. “We could have scheduled the movie to another date.” Subaru frowns at hearing this, what if that date was too late.

_“You know Subaru, you should hurry up and ask Kamui-chan out_ _,_ _” Hokuto said conversationally over dinner, just in time for him to choke on his miso soup. Coughing and flustering, Subaru manages to clear his lungs before flushing._

_“H-Hokuto-chan! I don’t even know if Kamui feels the same!” Subaru protests and Hokuto looks at him before sighing._

_“You’ve been_ _pining_ _for him for over three years! The reason you backed off on the first year then was that_ _he and Kotori-chan_ were solid _before they mutually broke up!” Hokuto said_ _,_ _and Subaru flinches, he hadn’t_ realized how _deep_ _his feelings went for his best friend until Kamui started going out with Kotori. Was it wrong that at that time he felt secure with the knowledge that Kamui will always be his best friend, that he’ll be by his side since he had met him ten years ago_ _?_ _Hokuto sighs._

“ _You know, Kamui-chan probably thought you might not be interested in him back then, or at least that’s what Kotori-chan told me.” That info struck him, Subaru looks at his twin in surprise, body stiffening at hearing it, his heart beating loud in his ears. While he_ _remains_   _woefully ignorant, he never noticed how deep Kamui’s feelings for him went? That Kamui had liked him back then even when he was dating Monou-chan._ _He_ _feels utterly stupid_ _not to notice or recognize_ _his feelings for Kamui back then._

_“Why didn’t he tell me then?” Hokuto fell silent at that question, she remembers Kotori’s aching sad smile despite the fondness in it,_ _recalls how she held the lithe blond to her and let cry Kotori cry on her shoulder._

_“You’ll have to ask him that question_ _,_ ” _Hokuto said softly, and in the end, Subaru never got to ask Kamui that question._

“First, let me ask you some questions. Why did you break up with Monou-chan?” Subaru asks hesitantly, and Kamui doesn’t say anything at first before deciding to talk.

“I _didn’t_ feel like my heart was in it, didn’t feel like my heart is connected with hers,” Kamui said quietly, and Subaru’s eyes widened at hearing this. “I _also_ didn’t want to put her through a one-sided relationship.”

“Then _why_ did you agreed to go date her?” Subaru asks softly, heart hammering in anxiety and fearing the answer. The feelings of jealousy linger within him, remembers his breath hitching and chest tightening of seeing Kotori had kissed Kamui a couple of times then, each left a pang of jealousy inside. Kotori was a sweet girl, and Subaru feels incredibly guilty for resenting her when she has done nothing but be kind to Kamui and everyone else around her. Except he can’t, the moment that her lips touched the ones Subaru wanted to touch, his stomach are tied in knots.

“I…guess I need time to figure out if I still loved that person.” Subaru breaths halted at the answer. He looks at Kamui in surprise to see the violet-eyed boy had hidden his beautiful face beneath his bangs.

“D-Do you still love that person?” Subaru asks slowly as he walks to Kamui hesitantly as if scared of frightening Kamui and making the other boy avoid him.

“Isn’t that a _personal question_?” Kamui asks, and Subaru’s hands trembled, his free gloved hand tip Kamui’s face up to see Kamui’s eyes carefully. Subaru’s heart quickens, swallows down the lump in his throat, at seeing that beautiful blush darkening Kamui’s cheeks.

“Why are you _afraid_?” Kamui breaths are shallow at that question, puffing gently against Subaru’s skin.

“I-I was _scared_ _. I_ didn’t _want_ to ruin the friendship. T-They are too precious to me to ruin it.” Subaru breath stills at Kamui’s answer, and he finds himself breathing again, and that Kamui is _so_ close. It occurred after Kamui’s break up with Kotori, that would also mean that Kamui is once again single, _available_ for others to try. That thought _twists_ his stomach.

“Is that _why_ you didn't _tell_ me back then?” Subaru asks quietly, if it weren’t for Hokuto’s hint, he wouldn’t have figured it out even. Would be stuck thinking that Kamui might not feel the same when his best friend _does_. Kamui stiffens, closes his eyes and nods and Subaru feels a smile, bright and heart doing flips.

 

“I _like_ you too.” Kamui’s eyes flung open. Violet eyes widen as he looks at Subaru before cheeks turning into a brighter red.

 

“I-I,” Kamui flushes. “H-How, w-who?” Kamui stutters and Subaru smiles softly at Kamui before pulling the younger boy into an embrace.

 

“It wasn’t easy. I hadn’t figured it out until you started dating. Hokuto-chan also clued me in.” Subaru said softly in Kamui’s ear. He can feel how Kamui shivers in his arms. Was it his fault that he feels _pleased_ by being the cause of it? No, he isn’t. He’s a bit reluctant to let go of Kamui, not when finding out that their feelings are mutually shared. The chocolates in his hand are still there, pulling away slightly, Subaru hands the box of chocolates to Kamui.

 

“Are these for me?” Kamui asks quietly, and Subaru feels a blush crawls back onto his cheeks before nodding. “I had Hokuto-chan to help me a bit,” Subaru said, embarrassingly he had burned the first few batches of chocolates and created a disaster in the kitchen before Hokuto decided to intervene. Kamui looks at Subaru before carefully opening up the box. Breath hitching at finding the chocolates presented before him, surprised to see bits of edible flower petals decorated on it.

 

“Thank you,” Kamui said softly to him, the violet eye teen decides to be brave enough to stand on his tip toes and kisses Subaru on his cheek. Subaru’s eyes widen, unconsciously feeling the warm lips against his skin.

 

“Do you want to _share_ the chocolates with me?” Kamui asks a shy smile on his lips, a pink blush on his face, one that Subaru couldn’t help but smiles back at the offer.

 

“I would like nothing _more_ than to do that.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And coincidentally (in Yuuko’s words it’s hitsuzen) today is Hokuto and Subaru’s birthday, so happy birthday Subaru and Hokuto!


	16. Don’t Let Me Go AU III

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You panic, you try to make pieces fall back into each other, but they don’t. Your breath stills and you feel that something has been punched into your stomach when the person you knew, knows everyone but you.

_Panic_

Subaru can feel his heart thumping loud in his ears when Kamui closes his eyes and lean against his arm. He _shouldn’t_ be here and feel the need to pull Kamui close, so his former leader could settle his head comfortably on his shoulder. He shouldn’t feel the _need_ to bury his nose into Kamui’s unruly hair and inhale his scent.

There was something achingly right about this, to be close to Kamui at this range. He can smell the boy’s scent, a mixture of faint strawberry and mint that seems to cling to his body. It’s a unique flavour and to be honest, Subaru really should stop being near Kamui. There’s someone already at his home, waiting and has a faint scent of cherry blossoms, expensive cologne and cigarettes of his brand. That scent alone was enough to make his heart race, and yet Kamui’s smell brings the same result.

It's more than what felt like half an hour, and if Subaru is honest with himself, he's reluctant to leave Kamui alone like this. The boy should move on with his life, and Subaru’s trembling hand reaches up to shake Kamui’s shoulder, lightly, he wonders if he could watch Kamui being with someone else. Seeing Kamui with Keiichi had been painful, the onmyoji isn’t sure if he could see another repeat of Kamui falling into another person’s arms.

‘ _Maybe if he does fall for someone else, I can be reassured that he’ll eventually be happy.’_ A stray thought slithers into Subaru’s mind, reluctant to dwell it in, as he focuses on waking up Kamui.

The first shake didn’t wake up Kamui. The second, a slightly stronger shake, didn’t either. He lightly slaps Kamui’s face, trying to wake him up from what seems like a nap that had turned into a deep slumber. Nothing. Muttering an apology with growing dread, Subaru takes Kamui’s glove off and pinch the back of Kamui’s hand, when that didn’t work, he twists the skin and hopes that Kamui does wake up.

Nothing. Nothing. Kamui isn’t waking up. Subaru’s heart sunk into his stomach, panic rising in him.

"N-No." Subaru whispers, his mind chaotic, and the problems in his mind pushed away. Kamui is still breathing, and even if that was reassuring, it isn't. The Sakurazukamori’s hand hovers above Kamui’s closed eyes, chants a spell from the Sumeragi Clan, and feels a bolt of cold lightning striking through him when he finally read Kamui’s soul.

There was a heart, or what used to be a _whole_ heart, and now it's small, almost like it's cut in half. Subaru's form trembles, does Kamui know what he was getting himself into when he had offered half of his heart? Did he understand the consequences of paying such a forbidden price? Subaru's mind swirls in panic.

 _‘How did I not notice that you’ve been living with only half of your heart?’_  

* * *

_Strings_

Yuuko sensed it in the air; she can feel it outside the boundaries and the barrier of her store. A frown on her lips, it won't be long until spirits that are interested in the Dragons of Heavens Kamui’s soul and devour it. It isn’t surprising that there would be malicious spirits that are willing to try and consume the Kamui’s heart. Not when the allure of a powerful aura feels enticing to them.

Still, even if she wants to check up on the Kamui, she cannot take the initiative.

It's funny how strings of Fate work, of how the chains connect to people, important events and how the thread of life of a person ends. It never said as to whom you'll love or who is your soulmate, if that were true, then most of the population of Japan would have already found the matches instead of living alone. Yuuko swirls the cup of sake in her hand before she takes a sip on the beautiful colourful glass. The glass is in a shade of violet, and if held in sunlight, it turns to blue, much like _the colour of his eyes._

"Nothing is a coincidence, only inevitable," Yuuko whispers the words _he_ had said to her long ago. Closing her maroon eyes, the Dimension Time Witch listens to the chatter of the spirits outside of the barrier.

_"When can we eat his heart?" One of the spirits asks impatiently._

_“The Kamui’s scent smells delicious. I cannot wait to sink my teeth into his soul." Another spirit commented._

_“Sakuya seems to be interested in him, then again it’s not surprising with a heart as pure as the Kamui." Another spirit observed._

_“Of course it is. Tengus are interested in the Kamui as well; one of them is interested in marrying it." A newer spirit spoke out._

_“Marrying the Kamui? Have they gone crazy?!" Another spirit asks incredulously._

_"You know how they are. Those Tengus are extremely close to humans."_ Each word these spirits have spoken troubles the Witch, it shouldn’t come off as a surprise, but Yuuko had met the boy. Children are as pure as they come, and while the current Sakurazukamori was one, Kamui had nurtured it and grown with it. Although now that she heard one of the spirits had considered marriage, it’s quite interesting as to where the Tengus had gotten that concept.

_“Wow, the Kamui is beautiful for a human!" A spirit said in wonderment._

_“No way! When did Sakuya’s avatar get hold of him first?!”_ One of the spirits screeched, indignant that its prey has already caught. Yuuko opens her eyes to see the Sakurazukamori running into her shop, out of breath, with the Kamui in his arms, unconscious. His mismatched eyes, desperate and anguished with panic.

“Are you the Dimension Time Witch? I have a wish!” Yuuko blinks and sighs.

 _‘Humans are such fickle beings.’_  

* * *

_Hope_

He had tried everything to wake up Kamui, minus slapping his face hard and other methods he wouldn’t dare consider. Finding the remaining Dragons isn’t a good option either, not when there is still some animosity between them.

In his panic, his mind summoned an option. One that he hadn't considered until now. Subaru recalls where his grandmother had gotten his gloves when. A witch that's rumoured to grant wishes. Maybe she can help. Scooping up Kamui, he had memorized the directions his grandmother had given him.

His heart is pounding. There were a few times that Kamui felt small, _almost delicate_ , in his hold. Now he feels _fragile_ , Subaru runs towards the shop, heedless to the dark mass that seems to surround the store barrier. Crossing over, he spots at all woman and clings to the rising hope that felt fragile as well.

He said his wish.

“I _wish_ for Kamui to wake up!” Subaru said, _desperate_ with a lump in his throat.

If Kamui _dies_ , then he might as well shatter even if Seishiro had gotten better. 

* * *

_Fulfil_

“I cannot grant that wish, Shiro Kamui’s wish has is not yet fulfilled," Yuuko said in a solemn voice as she walks towards the onmyouji. She looks at the boy in his arms, Kamui’s chest heaves up and down evenly, having fallen off into a deep slumber he couldn't wake up from. She doesn't have to know the despair and pain in Sakurazukamori’s eyes.

“Then _reverse_ it, please! He's dying!" Subaru pleaded and Yuuko shook her head.

“I cannot. The Kamui had wished for something precious. His wish isn't completed." Yuuko said gravely. Subaru grits his teeth.

“Then I wish for Kamui to _live_!” Yuuko looks up at Subaru sharply, looks at him through her crimson eyes.

“That _I_ can grant, however, he'll still die. I _can_ grant you a bit of _time_ to find the other half of his heart.” Yuuko said softly, and Subaru's chest tightens.

"There is a price," Yuuko said softly, and Subaru tightens his hold on his former leader's unconscious body.

“I’ll pay _anything_ ," Subaru said, determined to pay any price as long as it buys him time to retrieve half of Kamui’s heart. Yuuko fell silent before sighing.

“The price of that wish is Shiro Kamui’s feelings of his most precious person. His memories, his affections, including the name. Anything of that person he holds his affections for close to his heart will be erased. He will remember nothing of that person, not even in his heart.” Yuuko said, and Subaru's heart thuds loud in his ears and steadily sinking into his stomach. ‘ _Does this mean Kamui already loves someone? He never told me that.’_ Then again Subaru hadn’t been in contact with the teen until recently. Could he do it? Could he sacrifice Kamui’s feelings and memories of that person? He was selfish enough to leave Kamui’s side, so something like this shouldn’t be as _painful_ as that.

"Do it," Subaru said quietly, words come out of his mouth before he could stop them and yet he doesn't find any regret for it. "I _accept_ that price," Subaru said with more determination and Yuuko closes her eyes.

"Very well." She held out a hand, and something pink flew out of Kamui’s body into her hand as soon as she spoke. It a pink flame that seems never to go out, Yuuko opens up a pocket watch and places the fire there. 

“Until his heart is whole, Shiro Kamui’s love for his most precious person will stay in here," Yuuko said as she pockets the watch in her dress pocket. "Please follow me. The Kamui needs to rest. He’ll wake up soon.” Subaru frowns and follows after the Witch with Kamui in his arms. He hopes Kamui would wake up soon.

* * *

_Echo_

True to Yuuko’s words, it isn’t long until Kamui woke up. Subaru doesn’t see the dull shine in his eyes, entirely relieved that the violet eyes are fluttering open with a groan after an hour of sleep. That hour felt like half a day.

“What happen?” Kamui asks as he sits up in a familiar looking bed.

"You fell asleep, and I tried to wake you up, but you didn't. I asked Yuuko-san for help.” Subaru spoke softly, his hand holding Kamui’s hand. The teen looks at their joined hands before looking at Subaru curiously.

“Do I _know_ you?” Kamui asks, and Subaru's eyes widen, his hold around Kamui’s hand fell slack.

 _‘The price of that wish is Shiro Kamui’s feelings of his most precious person. His memories, his affections, including the name. Anything of that person he holds his affections for close to his heart will be erased. He will remember nothing of that person, not even in his heart.’_ Yuuko’s words echo into his mind. Everything felt static around him. Looking at Kamui’s violet eyes, hoping his former leader is joking. Except Kamui is looking at him in curiosity, there’s no hint of a lie either.

‘ _I-I’m Kamui’s most precious person_... _?’_ His mind is in a swirl of confused mixed emotions, overwhelmed that he’s the person that Kamui loves the most and distressed that Kamui had forgotten about him. 

* * *

 

_Shatter_

Subaru watches from afar though, after dropping Kamui off to his shared apartment with the remaining Dragons, he could see the familiarity in his leader’s eyes.

His heart is sinking with dread, remembers the confused look in Kamui’s violet eyes as soon as he left there. It's an honest, confused look in his eyes, and Subaru feels he couldn't breathe, punched in the stomach when Kamui’s eyes don’t recognize him.

How does one supposed to feel when a person that loved you, didn't tell you and then forgets you as if you don't exist in their life? Subaru doesn't know, feeling as if his heart about to break.

“ _That I can grant, however, he'll still die. I can grant you a bit of time to find the other half of his heart."_ Yuuko’s words echo into his mind, stopping his heart from shattering. He doesn't deserve Kamui’s heart, but if he manages to find the other half of it and to get it returned to Kamui, then the boy will _live._

Determined, he looks back into the window and _yearns_ as Karen pulls Kamui into an embrace, wants to be the one to do that before squashing that urge. It's a trivial urge. His main priority is to find the other half of Kamui’s heart. He's on a deadline, and Subaru will never forgive himself if Kamui dies

* * *

_Time_

Seishiro frowns at the picture frame taken in 1990. The oddest thing about the photo is that he recalls when it was made, but he doesn't remember the feelings from it.

"I may not be ‘real,' but you'll eventually have to choose, Subaru-kun. The past or the present." Seishiro murmurs before smirking, he can hear the restless spirits outside of Subaru’s apartment.

“You are running out of time if you want to keep _him_ alive, Subaru-kun. The tree, while curious about _him_ , holds no interest in desiring _him_.” Seishiro said quietly into the apartment, heading towards the kitchen and wondering what he should cook for his successor.


	17. Canon AU (III)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> White Day is the only day that is said to need to buy or make something that's considered priceless for your significant other. Kamui wonders if this was over the top.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One of my late White Day fics, whoops, so happy belated White Day everyone!

_Few Days Earlier_

Kamui had never done this before, it's a few days until White Day, and he still has to think of something to give to Subaru as thank you for the chocolates he had gotten for Valentine's Day. They haven't been able to watch the movie since they've missed the viewing time, but staying at home and sharing chocolates is equally unique. Popping the chocolates into each other's mouth and enjoying each other's company while watching a movie at home.

Except Kamui’s thoughts had strayed as soon as he pops one chocolate after another into Subaru’s mouth, fingers touching the soft lips of his date had sent a pleasant shiver up his spine. Bringing connecting thoughts of wondering what it’s like to press his lips against Subaru’s, he pushes those thoughts away before they have gotten too heated. Even so, he remembers giving a kiss to Subaru on the cheek, remembers the feeling of the soft skin on his lips, enough to bring a warm heat on his cheeks.

‘ _How am I going to think of a present for him if all I can think about is kissing him?’_ Kamui inwardly groans, half-thinking of contacting Hokuto and asking what Subaru might like before moaning again as his mind tried to search for more ideas.

‘ _She’ll probably say that he’ll like anything I get for him.’_ Kamui thinks before smiling faintly, knowing very well that Subaru likes simple things before sighing.

‘ _Still, what can I do to get Subaru on White Day?’_ Kamui wonders and tries to come up with something for his boyfriend. Ideas slowly bounce in his head, carefully trying to think of what Subaru might like — sighing as he ponders on more before finally finding an idea that might work for that night. Glancing at the calendar on the kitchen counter, he still has time to gather the necessary ingredients. _’I hope I can make it in time.’_

_Present_

Maybe it was over the top, Kamui frets in his mind as he waits for Subaru to finish up the case. He had accompanied Subaru to the location, waiting for him outside of the place and waiting to spring into Subaru’s aid if he needs a ride home. It's nerve-wracking about whether Subaru like what he had planned for White Day but it’s also nerve-wracking waiting for him to come back safely.

Knowing that Subaru is continually putting himself in danger while he’s out here, not helping him, makes his stomach twists uncomfortably, dreading that Subaru will get injured. Pushing that worry of home cooked dinner date to the back of his mind, further, until he knows for sure Subaru is safe.

Gripping his backpack strap that contains a first aid kit in case if things do get worse, Kamui nearly missed hearing Subaru calling out to him. Hearing his voice, Kamui looks up in surprise, heart pounding to see Subaru in a different outfit from usual red jacket and hat. It's a black hat, black shirt and jeans with a beige trench coat. Relaxing a little as soon as Subaru comes closer, Kamui looks over him first, trying to see if there is any wound or a scratch on Subaru. Finding none, he relaxes completely before gently laying his head on Subaru’s head.

“K-Kamui, w-we are out in public." Subaru protested slightly, and for a while, Kamui doesn’t want to care, wants to show how relieved he is seeing and knowing that Subaru isn’t in danger or get injured.

“Why can’t I involve myself in your case again?” Kamui asks quietly, and Subaru pauses before wrapping his arms around his boyfriend. “I was _worried_ you were getting hurt and I couldn’t do _anything_ to protect or help you.”

Subaru falls silent to Kamui’s words, heart thudding at hearing the sincere words from him. Even when Kamui hadn’t said it out loud before they dated, Subaru knows how much Kamui cares for him enough to worry over him.

Since he lost his mother when he was ten to a fire, it’s been Kamui’s fear of losing the people he cared about or seeing them injured. Kamui still has burn scars on his skin that he tends to hide underneath his clothes. His aunt, Tokiko took him in, raising him as if he’s her own when she never experienced having a child before. Kamui couldn’t help but voice his worry whenever he found her sleeping on her desk. Tokiko has seen those burn scars herself since she has to apply the burn ointment on him to sooth the pain back then. Subaru had only seen Kamui’s injuries when he, Hokuto, and Kakyou had brought him to an onsen on a trip in Kyoto two years ago.

_After tying a towel around his waist, Subaru looks at Kamui curiously, to see him fidgeting the end of his shirt with a towel wrapped around his waist._

_“You are not going into the baths?” Subaru asks worriedly and Kamui bites on his lip, he half wanted to shake his head and say no, but he doesn’t want to disappoint them in not joining in the fun on this trip._

_“Promise not to pity me?” Kamui whispers and Subaru narrows his green eyes at Kamui, mostly out of worry as his brows furrow in concern._

_“Of course.” Kamui clenches his eyes shut and pulls his shirt off, revealing burn scars over his stomach and stretching over to his back, and Subaru could barely breathe as he sees the extent of it._

_Those burn scars marks Kamui in a way, showing the disfiguration on the skin, but it’s also proof that Kamui survived that house fire. It was a fire that started from a few floors below Kamui’s apartment back then. Subaru’s eyes take in the scars. He had only heard that Kamui’s mother had died in the fire while Kamui survived. Subaru's eyes darken in pain for Kamui and almost said those words before stopping them in their tracks when he remembers that Kamui doesn’t want to hear those words._

_“May I touch them?” Kamui tense at the question before nodding, it was a feather-light touch on the disfigured skin, and Kamui shivers from it, nearly making Subaru pull his hand away._

_“Are you okay?” Subaru asks Kamui in concern. Kamui swallows before nodding. “I’m fine. The scars make the new skin sensitive.”_

Subaru couldn’t say how he had wished he had been there to prevent such an injury, Subaru hadn’t known, but he could remember Kamui’s hesitation in revealing that burn mark to anyone. Kamui didn’t want any pity, unsure how to handle it when directed at him. Subaru wonders if it’s because of all the sympathies he has gotten from people that don’t know him after attending the funeral for Toru four years ago. Even so, it makes his heart beating loud in his ears, knowing that Kamui trusts them enough to touch them, to help him wash his back gently.

It never occurred to Subaru that Kamui had never let anyone, besides Tokiko, to help wash his back. That is until Tokiko revealed to Subaru that information when she came to pick up Kamui last year from his apartment.

 _“H_ e _let you touch them?” Tokiko asks with wide violet eyes at Subaru, and Subaru tips his head in curiosity._

_“He did. On our trip to the hot springs, Kamui needed someone to help wash his back after sinking into the baths.” Tokiko stares before looking at her sleeping nephew on the couch. His homework already done, books placed neatly in a stack on the coffee table._

_“He never let anyone touch them besides me do that. I’m surprised to hear it from you instead of from Kotori-chan.” Tokiko said absently, and Subaru eyes widen, could feel a distinct satisfaction welling in him at hearing it even if he had resigned to the fact Kamui was in a relationship with someone else._

_“Monou-chan doesn’t know?” Subaru said in surprise and Tokiko nods, a wry smile appears on her lips._

_"I think it's mostly not wanting to be viewed differently from everyone else around him or that he trusted you enough to ask for your help. Even though they are together, it takes time for couples to be open with one another." Tokiko commented and Subaru's heart, and despite not wanting to fill it with hope, finds it thumping loud in his ears from hearing this fact._

Subaru feels guilty about bringing pain to Kamui, about making him worry, but the onmyouji also knew he couldn’t live with himself if Kamui got hurt because of him.

“I _wanted_ you to wait for me because I couldn’t stand the thought of you getting hurt because of me.” His words flow out of his lips with ease, and at that moment, it didn’t bother to Subaru at who is seeing them now.

“You _already_ are helping me. Knowing that you are _waiting_ for me safely, makes me wants to come back to you _safely_.” Subaru said with a hint of blush on his face. Kamui doesn't speak but breathes in Subaru's scent, sighing into his skin.

“I-I’ve cooked dinner and dessert and left it in your apartment. Do you want to eat it?" Kamui said after a moment of silence, pulling away to hiding his blush beneath his bangs, and Subaru finds the sudden urge to kiss him. Now, but perhaps later when no one sees them. A smile curves on Subaru’s lips.

“Sounds good.” The beaming smile from Kamui is in a reward itself.

Later on, Subaru gives in the urge of kissing Kamui after dinner and a white chocolate cake for dessert. He can hear the soft moan from his boyfriend on his lap, the breathy sigh that comes from when they press their lips together softly, tasting the sweetness of the dessert. If Subaru was honest with himself, Kamui's cooking and his sincerity made him want to love Kamui even more.

It's not just that beautiful smile he gets to see up close that cemented the feeling. It's the knowledge that Kamui trusted him enough to give him his heart, to show the insecurities he hadn’t revealed to anyone but a few others. It’s this knowledge that Subaru’s heart grows fonder for Kamui than it has before.


	18. Little Things AU (II)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It’s March 14, and Subaru tries to remain calm, despite seething in jealousy at seeing a white lily made of glass in Kamui’s vase.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I credit to faikitty for helping and inspiring in the creation of my ooc character for this drabble, 'Victoria Nakahara'. Thank you faikitty!
> 
> Extra-Note: Last White Day drabble fic that's late. (^_^')

_Terms_

_A Year Ago_

“I still think what I’m doing is ridiculous,” Kamui said as he crosses his arms, pouting at Nokoru who smiles at him wryly.

"It's not ridiculous. I think it eases people's minds to help them come to terms with their traumas in their lives. I've been talking to them for a long time, and they are rather professional at what they are doing. Plus it might help you through your nightmares." Nokoru reassures him as his car comes to a halt. Opening the door, Nokoru goes out first before holding the door open for Kamui to step out. After a moment of hesitation, a beat later, and Kamui steps out of the limo. It's a quaint building, unimposing, as Nokoru leads Kamui into the building and to the clinic a couple of floors up in an elevator.

Knocking on the door, Kamui watches as Nokoru talks to the receptionist before looking around. There a few people sitting in the waiting room, finding a place to relax isn’t hard either. Chewing on his lip, he wonders if he should be here at all. Knowing and understanding are perhaps two different concepts, and yet even being in a clinic of a therapist brings uncertainty to him with a hint of anxiety.

“Kamui-kun,” Nokoru’s voice breaks his train thoughts, and Kamui looks up at him, a gentle smile spreads across the Chairman’s face. “you are not in this alone. Once you are called in, I’ll be here waiting for you. They won’t think you are crazy.” Nokoru assures the teen, and Kamui takes a breath before nodding.

Minutes ticks by with patients, one by one, going through the door, and each one coming out looking better or worn out. New patients enter the clinic, waiting to be called in. It was when his name called that Kamui takes a couple of breaths before standing up, glancing over his shoulder to look at Nokoru who gives a reassuring nod, Kamui steps through the door and into a hallway. A nurse leads him to the door with the therapist's name, a Nakahara Victoria is written neatly on the white label. The nurse knocks on the wooden surface of the door and turns the doorknob to open it. She greets the therapist politely. Victoria Nakahara is a brunette woman with gentle onyx eyes. She smiles gently from her chair near her desk at Kamui and the nurse before taking the manila folder, most likely his, to read.

As soon as the nurse left, his therapist takes a brief look over the profile in the manila folder before placing the file on her desk.

“Shiro Kamui, right? My name is Nakahara Victoria. It’s a pleasure to meet you.” The brunette woman said with a kind smile.

"Is it all right if I come in?" Kamui asks, gently rubs on his arm before sighing to himself. "I…this is crazy, why would Nokoru recommend me to do this? I don't know where to start." Kamui said as the door closed gently behind him.

“Of course. Please sit wherever you’d like.” Victoria said as she gestures to a couple of chairs and a reclining sofa. “Perhaps you could tell me a little bit about what’s going on right now. Did your friend mention why they thought you coming to therapy was a good idea?” Digesting the answer, Kamui takes a deep breath as he sits on a chair before answering.

“Nokoru said it’s for dealing with PTSD, but the thing is, I feel fine,” Kamui said, pausing and suppressing a shiver down his spine. Some of those dreams hadn’t been as bad as the others. The ones he can deal with hadn’t left him screaming in the middle of the night and body drenched in cold sweat. “It’s not that I couldn’t deal with an occasional nightmare or two, but probably he’s worried that I ended up screaming again at night.” Pausing as if to gather his thoughts before a confused frown settles on his lips. “Nokoru did say that talking does help. It’s just I don’t think my story is believable enough without some people thinking I’m insane.”

“If you’re waking up screaming, that sounds like a problem. I’m sure you’re a strong person to have survived this on your own, but there’s nothing wrong with asking for professional help, especially if the people around you are concerned about you.” His therapist explains, she pauses as she observes Kamui, letting her words sink into Kamui’s mind. He feels guilty for making the remaining Dragons, Nokoru and his staff are worried about him. He feels more guilty just hearing about it. “Please don’t worry about me not being you or thinking you’re insane. Nothing you say will leave this room, and I’ll believe you. I hear all sorts of stories here, many hard to believe. I doubt you’ll be able to say anything I haven’t heard before.” Victoria said, and Kamui bites on his lip.

“The last time I’ve told someone, they left me,” Kamui spoke softly, his fingers curls to the inside of his palms, nails slowly digging into his flesh. “Nothing will leave this room?” He asks as he looks around to see if there is any speakers or cameras, but finding nothing. “I find it hard to believe if I hadn’t experienced myself.”

His therapist gives him a comforting smile before saying her next words softly. "I'm not going to leave you. No matter what you tell me. I'm here to listen and help you to make things better. Also, I won't tell a single soul. I'm not allowed to talk about my client's stories, anything you say in here unless you give me express written permission stays in the room. The only people who will know what you tell me are the two of us."

Kamui relaxes, it's rather stupid to think that his therapist would leave him once he reveals the traumas he went through from his childhood to the Promised Day. Almost as if he was given reigns to explain it, Kamui tells her _everything_ , from the death fo Kotori's mother, all the way to Fuuma's death by his own hands. He never stopped talking, and at first, those memories weren't painful until he reached his teenage years at the age of 15 is when he started to have trouble keeping his voice steady. He couldn't stop his tears from leaking from of the corner of his eyes that doesn't seem to be ending as he told Victoria about Kotori's death at the hands of her brother to killing him and defending the people he still needed to protect.

In a gentle voice, as soft as the therapist could, Victoria spoke as she leans forward to Kamui. "I don't blame you for being upset. Hurting people we care about is never easy. It's clear that this has been weighing heavily on you for a long time. I'm not surprised that your friends are worried about you. No matter how strong we think we are, no one can go through something like that without having troubling memories and emotions. I'm amazed that you were able to go this long without talking to someone about this. You seem like someone who tries to bear the burden of everything yourself." She paused before speaking with an even more gentle voice than before. "and it's okay to cry. It's okay to be upset, Kamui. It sounds like you've held many things in for a long time. That can sometimes hurt people worse in the end. I want you to feel comfortable here, and that includes being comfortable expressing emotion, even if it's hard at first. You don't have to be strong in here."

Kamui finds it difficult to stop crying or talking. The waterworks won’t stop leaking that seems to be coming from his heart that throbs painfully. “I didn’t know how long I’ve lasted without telling anyone; maybe it’s because I’m still in trying to process it. Maybe I’m still trying to think that I’m still living in a dreamless sleep, I don’t fucking know!” Kamui rambles as he takes a breath, frustration lingers in his voice as it rose.

“There are times I wished I was a normal kid, that I wished I didn’t have to go through these things, but I don’t wish these tragedies that happened to me happened to other people!” Kamui said before slumping against his seat, grits his teeth, he hates feeling helpless as if he’s stuck at a fork in a road and unsure what to choose now. Even though he knew about being part of the Promised Day, after that event, he had no idea as to what to do next. “And to top it off, I’m scared of loving someone! I’m scared of even telling them because they still love that person! They still desire for them even though they had a chance to fucking move on and I just…” His voice went soft, almost as if he’s tired from opening one box and another that contains his trauma. “I wanted to tell them that I’m still here, that even though they cared for me, it hurts to see them in pain because I love them fiercely and a part of me feels that they don’t want me. Like I’m not part of their life anymore, and it hurts.”

“It’s only natural that you’d wish none of this happened too. It doesn’t make you a bad person. It just makes you someone who has been through a lot that you don’t deserve.” His therapist spoke softly. “Why do you think this person doesn’t want you? What stops you from telling them that you’re there for them, even if it isn’t in a romantic sense?”

Kamui swallows, his throat feels as if it aches and he feels worn as if something slowly lifted from his soul. He wants to curl up on the chair and press his face into his knees to inhale some air to calm down. "It's because it's that same person that left me. I don't think they like me the same way as I do for them because they've been focusing on their own life. Because they didn't come back," As soon as he said those words, Kamui quickly clarifies what he means. "I mean they are still alive, j-just that they won't _return_ and I’m not sure if they _want_ to or if I _should_ give up on them when they seem to look the other way. I-I don’t know what to do anymore.” He said quietly, feeling worn out, unnoticed by the tears that drift down on his cheeks.

"Maybe this time apart from them is time to work on YOU. Maybe it's time to move forward from all of these terrible things. You'll always be affected by them, of course, but we can help you keep moving forward. We can figure it out together, Kamui." Victoria said before giving him a box of tissues, something that he gratefully takes with a soft frown, wiping away his tears.

“Yeah, maybe it’s time to move away from it,” Kamui said softly, feeling more lighter than before. He blushes softly, couldn’t believe he had cried and rant about his frustrations to a stranger about the complications in his life. It feels _better_ actually, now that he realizes when he spoke to the therapist about it. It is finding catharsis in someone that wasn't involved in the Promised Day. Chewing on his lip, Kamui asks the next words hesitantly, as if unsure about what to do. "Is it all right if I come back and ask for help?"

The therapist smiles warmly at him and nods. “Of course. I _want_ you too. That’s what I’m here for.” She said reassuringly, and Kamui lets go of the tension out of him, he fidgets with his fingers before standing up.

“Thank you for listening to me. I apologize for burdening you.” Kamui said bashfully, and Victoria smiles at him gently.

“It’s no problem at all.” The therapist reassures him. “Can I give you a hug? Feel free to say no, of course. You look like you might need it.”

Kamui blushes slightly at the mention of a hug and nods. It's been a while since someone had last given him a warm embrace. "I need one, please. It's been a while since someone last hugged me." Kamui said softly, pads over to the therapist and let her drew him in a comforting embrace. Closing his eyes, Kamui hugs her back, and as nice it had felt, he couldn't understand as to why that hug should feel different.

It was also around that time that Kamui decided to outgrow his hair as a homage to his mother, aunt and Kotori.

* * *

 _Novelty_

_Present - a few days before March 14_

Being with Kamui is a novelty that Subaru hadn’t experienced before. It’s a different feel than that one year with Seishiro, and Subaru guiltily tries to find the falseness of his relationship with the young adult except he found none.

Then again, Subaru isn’t sure if that year counts because even he, _himself_ , is reluctant to agree that it had been an illusion that Seishiro weaves that Subaru willingly believes.

That said, there is a distinct tranquillity Kamui brings whenever he’s at Subaru’s apartment and cooks a meal for the both of them. The sounds of the kitchen fill the Spartan apartment that Kamui doesn’t seem to mind, sounds that almost sounds familiar to the way Hokuto used to hang around the kitchen. Watching the way Kamui cooks is oddly calming, almost homey in a way as if Kamui had belonged there for the longest time that Subaru hadn’t seen it until now.

Subaru pads silently to Kamui, wrapping his arms around his former leader’s waist, moulding himself against Kamui’s back. The Sakurazukamori tries not to feel a disappointment when Kamui tenses up in surprised for a moment before he looks up at him with a small smile.

“Hey...” Kamui said softly, and Subaru smiles slightly at seeing it on Kamui’s face. Something inside of him relaxes on seeing that smile, and perhaps it knows that he had earned him feel comfortable to it.

“Hey,” He replies and looks to the pot of what seems to be bacon and miso soup. “the food looks delicious.” He comments, and Kamui shrugs slightly.

“I’ve...used to take turns in the kitchen with mother when she lived,” Kamui spoke softly, and Subaru looks at him in surprise.

“You’ve never told me about her,” Subaru said it as a statement, and Kamui chews on his lip.

“There...wasn’t any time to talk about her then, and I still don’t know much about her even when Aunty died then,” Kamui said before looking at the pot, checking on the soup and the stir-fried celery he’s handling.

Subaru realizes then that Kamui hadn’t spoken of his mother’s side of the family, or his father’s family either. 

* * *

_Mysterious_

It never occurred to Subaru that Kamui can be mysterious when he wants to or perhaps he hadn’t noticed at all. The very fact that he spoke very little of his family should have said something back then. Should have told Subaru enough that Kamui was probably grieving for them in a way that he never spoke about it.

In Kamui’s apartment since he moved out of CLAMP Campus dorms, there are very few pictures of Kamui’s relative. Even though his late mother and aunt have the same colour of eyes and hair as Kamui, Kamui doesn’t seem to know anything about them.

He remembers asking once if Kamui wanted to visit the Magami Clan (after Subaru had learned of who Kamui’s mother and aunt were) but Kamui hums, traces the edge of his mug in front of him.

“If they haven’t come and found me then, I doubt they’ll look for me now,” Kamui said quietly, and in a way, it’s wrong to Subaru since his grandmother occasionally checks up on him even though he is a Sakurazukamori.

“You aren’t curious about them?” A pause spoke the silence between them, a hesitant one before Kamui said anything. “I am, but if they wished to have nothing to do with me, then it’s fine.”

It’s cold, the way that Kamui spoke about them as if they were strangers. It also brings curiosity to Subaru, and it makes him wonder as to why it bothers him that he hasn’t seen any relatives of Kamui.

“If you are asking about who my father is, my mother never spoke about him,” Kamui adds in, not looking at Subaru as he takes a sip of his tea. “I don’t know why she doesn’t talk about him either, but I think that perhaps she had done it due to not wanting me distracted.”

“Is that why you’ve never heard of him?” Subaru asks curiously, and Kamui shrugs.

“Maybe.” 

* * *

_Details_

_March 14_

It's the small details on the glass lily that Kamui received from his colleague. It sits in a slim blue vase and sparkles whenever the sunlight or the ceiling lights inside of Kamui's apartment.

It’s beautiful as it’s fragile, and Kamui deserves such a gift to be given to him.

Except, Subaru didn’t give it to him. The Sakurazukamori tries to remain calm despite seething in jealousy as it, it surprises him that he feels such emotion towards a simple gift such as this, and yet Subaru remembers as he picked up Kamui from his workplace, Ao had gifted him a single glass flower. Remembers the wonder that etched on Kamui’s face, and Subaru huffs to a near pout, _sulking_ really, as he pulls his former leader away from an amused Ao.

Was it wrong for him that he feels the need to dispose of t? Shatter it, so Kamui doesn’t have to look at it again.

“Are you…sulking?” Kamui asks as he brings tea for Subaru.

“No,” Subaru said after a minute of silence. “I just don’t like Ao.” Kamui blinks before looking at the glass flower for another minute before laughing gently.

“Of course,” Kamui said with a wryly smile. “but you know that Ao likes someone else, right?” That serves Subaru to pout a little more.

"He should stop," Subaru said as he tugged Kamui to sit down with him on the couch. As soon as Kamui sat next to him, Subaru plays with his fingers. Kamui's fingers play with Subaru's, watches as they've touched each other, dance as if sharing some secret dance.

"I did accept your invitation on Valentine's Day," Kamui commented before leaning up and pressing a kiss on Subaru's cheek. Subaru looks at him curiously. "I'm not going with him any time soon, you know."

"I know," Subaru said softly before pulling away and reach into his white bag and pulls out a beautiful white scarf. "I...did not know what to get you," Subaru said at first, testing the words forming in his mind. He carefully wraps the cloth around Kamui's neck, letting hung loosely around him.

It's not as beautiful as that glass flower, and he still needs to build a sense of trust within himself. Meeting Kamui a year ago, accidentally bumping into him _really_ , had given him an eye opener of craving for human contact. "It's not as beautiful as _his_ gift," Subaru said as his hands drift down to the ends of the white scarf he placed around Kamui's neck. "and you are perhaps too good for me that I know I shouldn't deserve you for how much I've hurt you." He let's go of the end of the scarf and his hand reaching for Kamui's braid and brings the hair up to place a kiss on it. "However, I'm not going to let you go even if you've asked me."

Kamui inhales a breath, feels heat burns his cheeks. If those words hadn't shaken him to the core, he doesn't know what will. "Just promise me one thing," Kamui said hesitantly, he wonders if it's fair to ask this from Subaru. He rather not go through with it even if he's the ideal candidate. "I won't be the one to end your life. I understand it's selfish of me to ask you of this from me, but I don't want to do that." Kamui said quietly, reaching up and brushing Subaru's bangs away. "I rather hurt myself than harming you."

Subaru lets out a breath, gently encasing Kamui’s hand in his. “If that’s what you desire,” He presses a kiss on his former leader’s forehead. “then I’ll do my best to grant it.”

Subaru wonders if it was the soft smile on Kamui's face that blooms like a flower in late spring are what got him to consent to his promise to Kamui. He wonders if it's what makes his heart thump in a way that he wants to pull the young adult to his embrace. Both of them knew this is considered unhealthy, but perhaps it's something about how it's new or that his feelings for Kamui are what got him to start trying.


	19. May I Have This Dance? (II)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The search on the first night had failed, Subaru could never forget those violet eyes or how they seem to dim with a bittersweet look in them. Which is probably why, he's hoping beyond hope the second night could yield more result, a clue, to find Hasumi, hold on to him tight and cherish him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been a few months since I've last posted this au for SubKam (^_^') A continuation of the Cinderella AU.

The search on the first night had failed, Subaru could never forget those violet eyes or how they seem to dim with a bittersweet look in them. Which is probably why, he's hoping beyond hope the second night could yield more result, a _clue_ , to find _Hasumi_ , hold on to him tight and cherish him.

Perhaps he's putting his hope on a single glove he still has or this choice of holding another ball to have another glimpse of _Hasumi_. His thoughts drift to the younger man, and though his meetings were a few hours yesterday, Subaru remembers how _Hasumi_ 's hand fits into his like a glove. The feel of those slender, warm and delicate hands he colds carefully in his hands as he leads _Hasumi_ across the dance floor felt right, almost like these were the hands that Subaru's hands miss.

Even so, Subaru has no idea as to where _Hasumi_ might have gone. The person he admires has disappeared into the night without any clue as to where he would be, or his true identity is.

_"Subaru, are you sure this person is the one you want to be with? What if he doesn't turn out to be the one you think he is?" Hokuto asks with concern in the morning. The question is legitimate, especially with a few suitors seems to be coming by and turning up as someone that did not appear as they should be. Subaru frowns, it's strange to focus on just one person, but here he is now. He is obsessively thinking about Hasumi when Hasumi seems to be reluctant to leave the ball when midnight had struck last night._

_"He's different from the rest. Hasumi…although he seems reluctant to be here, he seems to enjoy dancing at the ball. Even though the name he told me isn't real, I can see the honesty of his emotions in his eyes." Subaru said as his green eyes soften, remembering the way that Hasumi's eyes brighten with enjoyment as Subaru danced with him._

Subaru waits even after most of the guests had come attended and starts conversing with one another, and while some had tried to speak with him, Subaru feels tense around them in comparison to _Hasumi_. Minutes takes by with the hope of _Hasumi_ coming to the second night of ball wanes slowly, that is until _Hasumi_ steps into the ballroom hesitantly. Subaru’s green eyes widen to see _Hasumi_. He's dressed in a black shirt, red trench coat and black pants. A golden hairpin with an amethyst stone pins up his unruly hair to the side. His violet eyes seem to look around the room carefully, and Subaru's heart thuds as they landed on him. They brighten at seeing him, and Subaru feels nervous anticipation running through his veins. He walks to _Hasumi_ before stopping a few steps before him, bows to him. "May I have this dance with you tonight, _Hasumi_?”

The ballroom felt quiet besides the occasional chattering across the room, and _Hasumi_ chews on his lip before consenting with a smile. “You may, my _prince_.” _Hasumi_ answers and Subaru straightens up, velds out a hand that _Hasumi_ is ready to take. The prince brings _Hasumi’s_ hand up to his lips, plants a kiss on his knuckles, not noticing a blush on _Hasumi’s_ cheeks that seem to make an appearance, and admires to feel _Hasumi_ 's skin beneath his glove hands finally. Gently guiding _Hasumi_ to the middle of the ballroom, Subaru begins the beginning step of the waltz, guiding his partner throughout the dance.

"Your name isn't _Hasumi_ , is it?" Subaru murmurs into _Hasumi’s_ ear, pulling him close after twirling him, and his partner inhales softly. His violet eyes look up at Subaru curiously.

“How did you know it’s not _my_ real name?” _Hasumi_ asks curiously and Subaru tips his head to the side in thought.

“I suppose it’s a feeling and that while the name sounds familiar on your lips, your eyes said otherwise.” Subaru murmurs before stopping, his glove hand reaches up and brushes _Hasumi’s_ bangs, wanting to see those violet eyes clearer. "Will you tell me your _real name_ tonight?"

 _Hasumi_ smiles at him, a little playfully. “What if I told you and the magic of tonight disappears, would you still want to dance with me again?” It doesn’t take a heartbeat for Subaru to answer this question, and he’s ready for it. Be it poor or rich _Hasumi_ may be, but Subaru doesn’t want to force him to reveal himself or keep him any longer, no matter how much he wishes to, with him.

“Then I suppose _I’ll_ have to ask you to keep me company until you have to leave.” Subaru murmurs and _Hasumi_ lets go of a breath he didn’t know he’s holding, squeezing Subaru’s hand.

"I…don't want to go back tonight," _Hasumi_ said solemnly. "Everything back home feels cold. I want to keep dancing with you." Subaru feels the strings of his heart tugged at hearing _Hasumi_ ’s words about his home.

"Then stay and enjoy the night." Subaru softly pleads, and _Hasumi_ looks up, emotions swimming inside of his violet eyes.

"I…if this world is ideal, I would like to stay," _Hasumi_ said with a solemn smile, and as per usual, he had left Subaru's side before the clock tower chimes its midnight hour. Leaving the golden hairpin in Subaru's hand, and a whisper. " _If you can find me, I’ll stay by your side forever.”_


	20. Amnesia!Subaru AU II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It’s one thing to try and fall asleep, it’s another to wake up and feel an ache.

Subaru muses over the clothes in his closet, he wasn’t sure what he was expecting but it’s hard not to when something in his mind nags that something should be there.

The Sakurazukamori checks through it once, he checks through the same closet again. Everything had stayed the same, his clothes are in place as they should be, including the ones in his drawers. The bathroom looks the same as his bedroom, and Subaru wonders inwardly if he expected something there. Sighing, he slips on his pyjamas and looks through his photos on his desk. He smiles at the one where it has Seishiro and Hokuto, but when his eyes looks next to it. Empty. His chest tightens and the onmyouji couldn’t understand as to why his chest tightens.

Frowning thoughtfully, Subaru wonders if he should go out and hunt something for the tree. Going out for few minutes might help him figure out what is missing.

Yet when he come back to his apartment an hour later, he wonders as to why he feels a shred of disappointment lingering inside of him.

He tucks himself in bed, hopefully sleep could calm his mind and he’ll wake up with a fresher mind and figuring out what kept him awake.

Except sleep doesn’t come to him until few hours later.

* * *

“You haven’t been eating properly again, have you?” Kamui said accusingly, a bit light hearted.

“You shouldn’t have bothered.” Subaru said and Kamui gives him a pointed glare.

“I’m not here to scold you for that.” Kamui said before sighing. “I’m here because your parents asked me to.” Subaru stiffens and a frown tugs on the onmyouji’s lips.

“They have no right to interfere with my life since they haven’t for a long time.” Subaru said quietly with an edge, but Kamui raises a delicate eyebrow before snorting.

“At least you had someone from your blood cared about you. Those that did for mine, are already gone.” Kamui said bitterly, let’s himself into Subaru’s home with a bag of groceries in one hand and starts cooking a home cooked meal that tasted warm.

* * *

Subaru groans as he tries to catch the faint remnants of that memory, where he was talking to someone (arguing with them with restrain). That memory comes with faint fondness but even then, he couldn’t pin point the voice or match it to the person.

His hand reaches for something unconsciously beside him, but it’s nothing but a cold space.

At first Subaru wonders if the ache resonating inside of him belongs to his thoughts of Seishiro and what could have been, but something tells him it’s nothing like that.

It went _deeper_ than  that.

* * *

“You look tired, Shiro-kun.” Keiichi said worriedly and Kamui blinks before shaking his head.

“I feel fine,” That was a lie. “it’s nothing you should worry about.” Kamui assures his best friend with a slight smile. Keiichi frowns.

“You’ve been reading that same page of our math text book for the past 5 mins.” Keiichi points out and Kamui blinks once more before sighing.

“It’s a small things, nothing that I couldn’t handle.” Kamui reassures his best friend, but Keiichi doesn’t seem to believe him. The blond frowns before sighing.

“Fine, even so, I want to help you, Shiro-kun! You’re my best friend after all!” Keiichi said and Kamui smiles slightly.

“Of course.” Kamui said, but even then to Kamui himself, those words felt as if he was trying to comfort himself.


End file.
